


Epilogues are Always Better than Prologues

by ninanna



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Office, Alternate Universe - Writing & Publishing, Fluff, Insecurity, M/M, Pretty much twenty-something worries, a lot of awkward pining actually, and age gap worries, awkward pining, but not too much insecurity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-19
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-02-21 17:46:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 37,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2476946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninanna/pseuds/ninanna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren Jaeger's life finally takes a turn for the better and he lands his dream job at one of the most esteemed publishing houses. Just when he is convinced that his days of career worries and self-doubt are over, he is faced with an inconvenience in the shape of an ex who is a bit hard to get over.</p><p>Or that story about student worries transforming into twenty-something worries transforming into more worries; constant flurries of "what am I doing with my life?!" mixed in with questions of love, and could something that once failed miserably and silently ever start again and actually succeed?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have been meaning to write an ereri story since summer and this particular setting of twenty-something worries (especially contrasting early-twenties to late-twenties concerns) has been itching my mind to be written. I am incredibly self-conscious about writing for SnK though, so I've been procrastinating over this for a long time, mainly because it's silly and I'm scared shitless of portraying Eren or Levi OOC. 
> 
> Alas, I couldn't sit on this any longer, I just had to put it out. It's already fully written and has five chapters, my shitty attempts at humour (which fail spectacularly), some fluff, and a lot of introspection about anxiety of adulthood. Maybe too much projection, shit. Sorry for that :(

“Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

Hating cliché idioms did not change the centuries old truth embedded in them. _Fuck._ Why did he think his thirteenth interview since spring would be any different than the first twelve? Even the superstitions were blaring about how awful this particular one would be, _for God’s sake_ , it even took place on the thirteenth of September on a Friday, of all days. _Yes, the Fates had already told me quite clearly that this would suck. Why did I think otherwise?_

 

Because she had smiled. She had smiled with joy that could only belong to a princess and friendliness exuding from her voice could only belong to a fairy. So he had thought that perhaps, perhaps just this time he had hit the jackpot. Finally, a laidback interviewer who would give him the chance he so desperately desired. Alas, after the initial getting-to-know-each-other and “here’s our sales pitch” part, the young woman’s face changed that of a true superior and business insider. Her tongue sharp, comebacks witty, knowledge excellent, and gaze confident. She pretty much grilled Eren and considering the increase in his body temperature, it might not have been only metaphorical. When she had finalised the interview and uttered those well-known words of doom, “we’ll contact you”, Eren was already aware of how this would go. Hint: he would not be contacted.

 

Interestingly, he was contacted.

 

So maybe he had judged the book correctly and maybe superstitions were indeed just that… superstitions. Unlike his previous twelve interviews which led to no response at all or unpaid internship opportunities because _you know_ , _sure_ , you can pay your rent and feed your hungry stomach with “ _excellent industry experience_ ” and “ _perfect opportunity to improve your leadership_ _skills_ ”; _fuck capitalism, really, fuck_. But those days of failure were behind him; _now_ he was successful. Now he was hired. Now he had health insurance _with_ dental _and_ hundred bucks a month for “gym and other healthy living necessities”. _Hell yeah._ _That’s what a grown-up’s life should be like!_ Or at least he supposed so. Technically, he had been a ‘grown-up’ for a couple of years now but also technically he was mooching off Mikasa’s pro-athlete salary to pay the rent and had dinners composed of only cup-ramen. Thank God, those days were over. In fact, he prepared a list of things he would do the moment he got his first pay, sorted in the order of priority:

  1.        Go to a restaurant and have a bigass steak.
  2.        Buy a whole watermelon all for yourself.
  3.        Drink a venti pumpkin spice latte.
  4.        Order that Spider-Man limited edition t-shirt.
  5.        Pay the rent all by yourself.



 

Okay, so perhaps he was a little too focused on his diet but it was only because he was especially hurt in that aspect. The last time, for instance, he drank any _overpriced-but-also-overdelicious_ coffee was three months ago after his break-up; that medium sized caramel macchiato Armin had blessed him with during the (unfortunately) usual post-break-up open heart surgery, in hopes of motivating him to let go… And he had. Thankfully, it had ended before he was in too deep and here he was employed for a position he loved and longed for in one of the best companies out there.

 

His life had suddenly taken a turn for “too perfect” and he had this nagging feeling inside saying that something would go wrong because something would have to go wrong because life could not possibly be _oh so fine_. But he muted that sneaky little party pooper and instead went on a small shopping spree for clothes with what his tiny savings could afford. Sure Petra – the angel of joy whom he had later mistaken as angel of death but restored back as the angel of joy the moment she called with the good news – had told him that their office didn’t have a dress code, but it did not mean he could go with old band tees and tattered jeans. “ _Smart casual it is,_ ” he thought because (a) he was smart, and (b) he wanted to be casual. _Not too stuffy, office-y feel-y but not deadbeat-looking either. It’s perfect._

 

Hence there he was on that glorious day of Monday – the first Monday he has ever appreciated in his life – walking the halls of the Survey Publishing’s stylish building, employee card already attached to a lanyard which hung loosely around his neck (it felt like the best accessory he had worn in a long time). He was wearing a light grey button up with first two buttons undone, a lush green sweater that worked well with his eyes, and a nice slim fit pair of dark grey slacks. He was smart. He was casual. He was employed. He was a winner.

 

His cubicle was not small, if not spacious, and most importantly its walls were just the right size: they provided the much needed privacy in such an open office area, but not too tall to make him feel prisoned. Petra let him to himself, asking him to setup his corporate network account following the IT guideline sheet and getting used to his office space. Apparently his training would start the next day but Petra recommended him to go through the social network of the company, create his profile, and check out some of the “new hire” manuals. It was all good and fun… okay, not so much fun; it was boring as hell but that was normal and the hype of days to come never truly left him.

 

Because he had thought that he would never reach here. He had always been a confident individual, but no ego can endure six years of university education and then jobless six months mocking your MA degree as you consecutively fail every job interview. As his friends started moving away to secure jobs, some forming families with their beloveds, others buying new cars or fuck even apartments… and he did not even have a cat. Insecurity was inevitable and he had tasted it in all its characteristic bitterness and vomited, again and again, attempting his best at self-motivation as some kind of a home remedy against the clutches of the deathly self-doubt. But it had passed. He took a deep breath and exhaled loudly; _focus on the now Eren, you lucky bastard, focus on the now, the moment_. Because it had passed and here he was now, everything would be per—

 

“Hey Eren! Look who I have here… Our Managing Editor: Levi Ackerman! He was on a business trip to Australia that’s why he wasn’t around when we interviewed you but he just came back and I wanted you to meet him.”

 

 

_Oh you could run away from the claws of cruel fate so far, after all, she would eventually find you and fuck you sideways._

 

His face contorted in an amalgamation of shock and horror as he saw the man who he had once broken up with (or had been dumped by, depended on how you looked at it). _Fucking vampire._ It must have been… five? _Yes, yes, five years or so._ Yet the man looked almost the same, though the dark patches under his eyes were obviously larger and darker, his visage seemed not a year older than twenty-five still. His lean figure seemed even stronger and sturdier than before, his hair cut in the same crisp style with the exact undercut, inky locks on the front neatly split and perfectly combed. The same button nose Eren had once peppered with tiny kisses, the same defined cheekbones and the pale complexion that he complained so much of during summer, “ _because I get burnt and turn into a fucking tomato of all things Eren, not everyone’s skin makes love to the Sun like yours_ ”, he had once said, so eloquently. Eren did not realise he was gaping (and staring) until Petra literally poked him with her finger on the shoulder,

 

“Eren?”

 

“Huh? Ah? Oh? Ooh. Petra. And… Levi… I—I mean… Mr. Ackerman?”

 

Levi raised an eyebrow and Eren started internally begging to any gods or goddesses out there that he would not be jobless again by the end of the day. He really wanted to have that steak. _Also being able to pay the rent without worry would be great. At least for this one month._

 

“Do you two… perhaps know each other?” Petra asked.

 

 _Well if you count having shoved each other’s dicks into each other’s various holes, yeah, quite intimately—_ Eren mused internally. There was no way he was saying that; though in the odd chance that Levi’s humour stayed as it had been (which was very unlikely, he did not think the man in front of him, impeccably dressed in a suit and went on international business trips would stick with crude humour of his youth), the man would actually appreciate the description.

“You could say that,” Levi said thoughtfully and Eren painfully realised once again just how much he loved the man’s confident, low voice. “Eren,” he mumbled than, his finger pointing towards the office room at the corner, “come with me for a second.”

 

As Eren followed meekly behind Levi’s steps, he continued with his soundless prayers. He could not… he could not afford to lose this job… _especially for a reason like this? No way._ So the moment they entered the room and Eren closed the door, he started running his mouth in partial panic and with a lot of determination,

 

“I’m not quitting. Seriously. I got accepted all fair and square… as far as I know at least and this is literally my dream job so if you think—“

 

“Eren.”

 

He lifted his face to look at Levi who was now sitting on a leather chair which was strangely high, giving the impression as if the short man was tall. Eren swallowed. Levi rested both his elbows on the desk, his hands coming together, his fingers entangling with each other and he looked on sharply, a glint of interest undeniable in his eyes,

 

“Do you think I’m the kind of person who would let my personal matters or feelings affect my professional decisions?”

 

“Um… no.”

 

“Based on your perception so far – because it seems she was your main recruiter, does Petra look like such a person?”

 

“Nope?”

 

“What about Hanji? Apparently they did your phone interview?”

 

“I didn’t talk with them much but… They were kind of… I don’t know, maybe they would?”

 

“Probably, actually. They can be quite… passionate. Good thing that you’ll be working in my team then.”

 

Eren breathed a sigh of relief and gave a hesitant smile, to which Levi only unclasped his hands and scratched the side of his head, leaning to one side slightly,

 

“It is curious though… I thought you would be more interested in Hanji’s stuff. Were you planning to switch in the future? Because that will definitely be a problem.”

 

“Ah no… I’m not. I specifically applied for the non-fiction department.”

 

“Huh? I thought you adored fiction?”

 

“Yeah, when I was eighteen. I mean… I still love it, but it’s not my professional preference now.”

 

He thought that Levi would perhaps feel troubled to mention the past but seeing the older man acknowledge it so easily had caused him to feel rather bitter; perhaps that was the reason why he enunciated his age then so clearly. Was he hoping he would ruffle Levi’s feathers like this? Age had always been a concern for his older lover… _Ex-lover. Damn it. Ex. Ex. Ex. He is your ex. As in the past. As in ‘the person formerly known as your lover’._

 

Howbeit, it didn’t seem to perturb the man at all now; Levi simply nodded his head and then turned his attention to the screen of his sleek mac. _Damn rich people and their silver, super-thin macs. Wait, is Levi rich now? He sure looks it. Fuck. ‘Winner’ my ass, look at him Eren, he is still way ahead of you. You’re just starting to be an adult and he is… already excellent at it. Sure he had a head start, but he was fucking awesome even when he was your age. He had four scholarships in his hands and you had a stupid fast food job. But wait, what the heck is he doing in publishing industry and not angrily yelling at students in fancy lecture halls?!_

 

“Eren?”

 

He woke up from his whirlpool of thoughts to Levi’s calm and questioning tone.

 

“Um, yeah?”

 

“Why are you still standing there?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“It is done. I just wanted to assure you that our personal past would not be an issue. You can get the fuck out now.”

 

_Oh. Well at least his mouth is as elegant as before. Arsehole._

Eren nodded awkwardly and hurried out of the room as if he was running away from the plague. It was not an exaggeration considering Levi’s effect on him. When he arrived back to his cubicle, Petra was leaning to his desk from the side and scrutinising him with narrowed eyes.

 

“Um…”

 

“Don’t ‘um’ me. I know that kind of panic. So you two have a history?”

 

“Well…”

 

_Oh no. Is this gonna be a problem? Don’t tell me she has a crush on Levi or something. But I mean… She never seemed like a person who would mix business and pleasure so I thought—Oh shit, what if—_

“Oh this is so good. I was starting to believe his workaholism was killing his love life but at least it wasn’t as barren as I thought huh? Since he scored you. I mean, I’ve got a boyfriend and all, but you’re one cute cookie.”

 

“Thanks? It was a long time ago anyway…”

 

“Long time ago? Really?”

 

“Yeah… a couple of years.”

 

Petra’s eyes widened and Eren bit his tongue… _Okay. Shit. Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned that._

 

“How old… are you again?”

 

“Twenty-four…”

 

“Oh…”

 

“It was about five years ago…”

 

“So you were nineteen…”

 

“Well, technically eighteen when we started.”

 

“ _Oh…_ ”

 

They stood there each looking around nervously to avoid staring at each other. Then Petra started trembling slightly… then she snorted… then cackled. Finally she was laughing uncontrollably.

 

“He was a cradle robber!”

 

“Please Petra, look, he might murder you for real if he hears that okay? Age thing… was a big problem. At least then. I mean, I wasn’t a kid for god’s sake. I don’t know what’s the problem…”

 

This apparently only caused Petra to laugh harder; but at least she covered her mouth with her hands, partially successful attempts at stifling the sound.

 

Eren sighed exasperatedly and plopped himself on his chair, hands covering his face, grimly wondering just how worse could his day get… Was he even going to manage to work a day before getting fired by Levi? Maybe he would survive a week. Or two at best? _I really hope at least two weeks so that I get one pay cheque. I need that fuckin’ steak._

 

“Petra, my favourite gal, why are you laughing your ass off? And why does our young blood look… so old? Let me guess, you made him meet the Lord of Grump finally?”

 

Hanji grinned large and toothy but was taken aback when Petra only chortled loudly at their questions. They gave a bemused look at Eren, who simply dropped his head face first onto his desk and groaned.

 

_Fuck, I’m definitely not surviving even the day._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when I got my first real job, I made a list of things I would do with my first pay cheque and half the list was about food. I didn't go for a steak though; it was chicken curry in my favourite upscale Indian restaurant. The watermelon part is exactly off my own list though because watermelons are God's gift to humanity and seriously underrated on _one side of the Atlantic_ which is blatantly blasphemous.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I played around with chaptering so now it will be 6 chapters in total. That might change too though.
> 
> Also: dubstep _is_ a valid choice of music and I will fight to death to anyone who claims otherwise.

 

“No you don’t get it.”

 

“Which part I’m not getting?”

 

“He is my boss. _My boss_. MY BOSS.”

 

“You already repeated that enough times, Eren. I don’t see why that’s a problem.”

 

“Because…” Eren covered his face with his hands, a sudden urge to claw his face off rose in him but he suppressed it, albeit hardly.

“Because he is still amazing. Apparently now he has a PhD, published books that are read in university courses. He learnt three more languages in the five years we didn’t see each other. He is goddamn ripped… When did he find the time to work out for God’s sake?! And he wears suits, Armin! He wears suits even though there is no dress code. He is great at his job even if pissy and everyone reveres him and he is just… _Uh_. He’s fuckin’ perfect, alright? Why is he perfect?! It’s so unfair.”

 

“Eren… he is 160 centimetres tall.”

 

“Yeah, 160 centimetres of perfection though.”

 

“I don’t get it… if you’re so infatuated with him, why is it a bad thing that he’s your boss?”

 

“Because I _should not_ be infatuated with him. Because we broke up. Because he’s still an asshole. Because he is my boss and screwing with him would be screwing with my career. Because I’m apparently hired to sub for Petra, who’ll soon leave for maternity leave and she’s his right hand and… God… I can’t imagine working with him closely.”

 

“Is he that bad?”

 

“About work? He’s a freakin’ workaholic. He’s so staunch about every little task… But he gets the job done… I mean it will be hell but I’ll probably learn a lot…”

 

“So what’s the problem again?”

 

“Ugh… You don’t get it!”

 

Eren hurled himself over Armin who was sitting on the couch and positioned his head on the blond’s lap so that he could get the much needed tender love and care. Armin giggled with amusement and started combing his friend’s unruly locks of earth brown,

 

“Yeah… Maybe I don’t. Why did you guys break up anyway? You don’t seem to… hate him at all.”

 

“It was complicated.”

 

“That sounds… lame.”

 

“Yeah it does.”

 

Eren closed his eyes for a second to gather his thoughts and adjusted his ears to the calming rhythm of Armin’s breathing. His friend always soothed him. How dearly he wished Mikasa was around too… Though he was not sure if he could have a talk like this if Mikasa was with them. _Hell, she would probably drive to the office and maim Levi with all kinds of office supplies she found._ Considering the yell he received from his satanic overlord for spelling an author’s name wrong the other day, the idea of his sister assaulting his once-lover now-manager did not sound overtly repulsive.

 

“We… we were just in different phases of our life, I guess? Like… we had different priorities. I was more worried about submitting my assignment before the deadline or if I can change my shift at work to attend a protest… and he was worried about his master’s thesis fitting in with the topic he wanted to study in his PhD.

“Like… I don’t know, we were both so stubborn. He preferred listening to opera or classic rock and snorted at my love of dubstep. He found my fan fiction addiction silly while he read his _oh-so-important_ Continental Philosophy… He kept calling me a ‘kid’.”

 

Eren sighed again and Armin rubbed his thumb over the soft skin of his nape.

 

“I can remember some of those bits…”

 

“Yeah… I mean… It’s not like he actually belittled me. And I was kind of a brat. It was just… We were so different. He was trilingual. He was regarded as a prodigy in Classics. He was translating Euripides to Japanese and Murakami to French for fun and I was… I was writing smut fics for friends for fun. I felt insecure around him but never got the courage to admit it. I think we just drifted apart?”

 

“So you guys just… amicably broke up? I always thought he was the one to dump you, given Mikasa’s attitude then. You didn’t want to talk about it either…”

 

“Well in a technical sense, yeah, I guess he dumped me. He was the one who said ‘ _by the way I’ll be doing my PhD at Oxford so I’m gonna be around only for two more months_ ’ out of blue one day…”

 

“So he did dump you?”

 

“Not really. If he didn’t leave then, I would probably. I told him that too… That we weren’t working out. He said he thought the same. There were no hard feelings, really.”

 

“But you liked him?”

 

Eren sighed again but instead of fatigue it was tinted with pleasant nostalgia.

 

“Yeah, I liked him… I think… I think he liked me too.”

 

“Hmm…” Armin hummed, massaging Eren’s scalp with his fingertips, “so why is it bad that he’s now your boss again?”

 

“Because he’s still Shortie Dreamy McDreamy  whereas I am… I’m still a loser, Armin.”

 

“Well you still listen to dubstep.”

 

“God! It _is_ a valid choice of music. What is wrong with you music snobs?!”

 

“I’m just kidding...”

 

“I know…”

 

Eren huffed, Armin giggled. A few seconds later the blond spoke again, each syllable emphasised:

 

“Eren, you’re not a loser.”

 

“Well… I was just starting to think so too, then I had to meet him again and realise just how much I suck still… I don’t even compare to what he was my age and he has just gone ahead and become even better. He even has a fancy car.”

 

“I’m sure he has his own insecurities too.”

 

“Like what? ‘ _Oh damn, my muscle structure is too flawless_ ’, or ‘ _why the fuck I’m so accomplished_ ’?”

 

“I bet he’s conscious of his height.”

 

“Okay that might be true, but regardless of what he thinks of it, I think his short stature kind of gives him this quirky attractiveness…”

 

“You just have a thing for short guys.”

 

“Guilty as charged… Maybe. I don’t know. Wait a second, I think he’s actually the only short guy I ever dated…”

 

Armin leaned in and gave a soft peck on his friend head, drawing a much satisfied grin from Eren.

 

“You got a great job. The fact that he has moved to good places in his career doesn’t change you’re doing well… Why are you even comparing yourself to him? Also… if he was so good at academia, such a prodigy in his field, why is he in publishing?”

 

_Ah that I’d like to know as well…_

 

Eren hurriedly turned around on Armin’s lap so that he could face his friend,

 

“Exactly! I have no idea… Like as if he wanted to shove his success in my face or something. He knew I was big on becoming an editor but he was never interested in it himself. He wanted to be in academia and was already well-published even though he was just doing his MA. He should have stayed there.”

 

“It’s interesting… Maybe he couldn’t make it in academia…”

 

Eren snorted, “I doubt he could ‘not make it’ anywhere…”

 

Armin looked at his friend with a knowing smile,

 

“You know Eren, I think maybe one of the reasons you felt so insecure then was because you idolised him too much… He’s human too. I’m sure he has his own issues and failures. Maybe you should try to focus on that and you won’t feel so inferior or tense around him in the office? Might help you when Petra is gone and you’re stuck with him.”

 

Eren gave a puzzled look at his friend, not fully convinced with the argument; nevertheless he nodded, Armin being a genius and himself being miserably mediocre, maybe his friend had a point… Maybe Levi was not as perfect as he seemed.

 

A memory surfaced in his mind, of Levi trying to cook but spectacularly failing, complaining about how much money had gone for the groceries while they had cleaned the burned pots and thrown the inedible results to the garbage… They had ended up eating canned tomato soup like Eren had initially suggested, but as Levi had continued grumbling colourfully about the whole endeavour and his French genes betraying him, Eren had laughed and choked on his soup more than he ate of it.

 

Indeed, maybe his neat-freak little ex with an emotionless face and piercing eyes was not so perfect.

 

* * *

 

 

“Who wrote this week’s spotlight blog entry?”

 

Eren jumped on his seat at the sharp tone, Levi suddenly bursting into the cafeteria while everyone else at the table stopped eating and turned to stare at Eren upon hearing Levi’s words. He gulped. Then proceeded to choking because _shit, how stupid are you Eren, gulping so absentmindedly while eating, God, I’m gonna die…_ He quickly downed the full glass of water in front of him while Petra rubbed his back concernedly.

 

“I guess that answers you question?” Erd glanced at Levi, who simply sighed.

 

“You don’t have to shit your pants every time I talk to you Jaeger.”

 

The comment only caused Eren to choke on the water while Erd and Gunther started snickering and Levi scowled hard.

 

“I—I’m sorry, sir,” he managed between coughs as he tried to get his breathing back to normal, “was there something wrong with it?”

 

Levi loudly “tch”ed before starting, words coming between his gritted teeth like insults despite the fact that they were far from negative;

“First of all, stop calling me ‘sir’, for fuck’s sake, we’re not in the army. I was just going to say that it was a good call… Theme fits the current events and the writing was witty.”

 

“Oh…”

 

_Okay. Levi. Complimenting. Fucking Levi Ackerman is complimenting me. Not that he never complimented me before but it was more about my eyes being “infuriatingly bright” or my blowjob skills being “too good for an inexperienced brat”. But never my writing. Well, he did once say it was “not bad” when he proofread my assignment but does that even count as a compliment? Probably does in his level of human communication._

 

“Are you done with daydreaming?”

 

Eren’s eyes widened with realisation and he slumped, his lips pursing into a tiny frown and without thinking about it clearly he spilled: “Y-yeah…”

 

Petra snorted beside him and he tried to glare at her intimidatingly though he doubted he could ever manage that when he himself was under a tired glower from Levi.

 

“God… Just. Write the next week’s too. Also, continue with theme of war but delve into mourning. Butler will be coming the week after for an interview, I’m thinking we can talk about that and maybe make it this month’s theme or something… You’ll be there too.”

 

“Bu-butler?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Judith Butler?!”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Shit.”

 

Eren almost fell from his chair causing Erd to burst into laughter, Gunther holding his stomach, and Petra giggling as her hand covered her face. Levi rolled his eyes.

 

“If you’re getting a boner just from the thought, I’m not letting you in on the interview then.”

 

“What?! Fuck, no, I mean—I – “

 

Eren stopped. He was digging his own grave, deeper and deeper. He took a deep breath, then exhaled and looked Levi determinedly, which somehow caused the older man’s eyes to gleam in recognition of something that Eren was unsure of.

 

“I’d be glad to be of assistance and I will surely be professional, sir.”

 

“Eren?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Drop the ‘sir’ or I swear to God I’ll drop you off the roof.”

 

 _Well you loved when I called you ‘sir’ during kinky D/s play but suddenly you don’t like it anymore huh, you miniature dickhead_. _Maybe you can start treating me with ease and I won’t get all tense and spew such bollocks, fucking uptight asshat_.

 

Eren smiled with poison, his narrowed eyes holding obvious contempt, and replied in a mock sweet tone: “Yeah, sure.”

 

Levi visibly flinched and his face took a sour expression – even sourer than his usual that everyone in the small cafeteria exchanged gazes between their superior and the newbie author’s editor. Levi nodded than, as if assuring something to himself (Eren hoped it was assuring himself that murdering Eren would be too much trouble and totally not worth it because yeah, he really wanted to live another day, preferably two more weeks _because heck I am not going to miss the chance of meeting Butler_ ). When Levi turned on his feet and left the room, the temperature had definitely fell a few degrees.

 

“You know,” Petra smiled impishly, “I’ll really be missing all this delicious UST when I’m on maternity leave…”

 

Eren sighed and closed his eyes, fatigue covering every inch of his body though he was also hyped for the prospect of not only writing another blog post for their popular web site but also meeting one of his favourite philosophers.

 

“It’s more like… UMT.”

 

“UMT?”

 

“Unresolved Murderous Tension.”

 

Everyone laughed and Eren couldn’t keep a small smile from creeping its way onto his lips either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eren's mouth has gotten quite more R-rated after his first year of university, thanks to Levi, and this is one of the reasons why Mikasa is not fond of Levi. I might actually incorporate this tidbit to somewhere in one of the next chapters, hmm...


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the shortest chapter update I've ever done in my life but oh well. The pacing required it. Also, the pacing may require this to be a 7 chapter fic instead. We'll see. 
> 
> Also: do you know how hard it is to be with a younger person who looks up to you unnecessarily and you cannot share your worries with? How their worries are nonsense to you and yours are to them? It's debilitating and alienating. It's sad, especially if you really like the person.

“You don’t get it.”

 

“Which part? The fact that you _so_ want to tap that ass or the part he looks as if he’s begging for you to?”

 

“Hanji, shut up.”

 

Levi scowled as hard as he could manage, which was a lot, stressing his malcontent with the topic at hand and refusal to give in to the suggestions thrown around; however, Hanji had never been one to cave in to his curmudgeon self.

 

 

“I just don’t get it. Do you think hitting on him will jeopardise work or something? ‘Cause I’m 100% sure you’ll continue to give him hell even if he’s literally kissing your ass at night.”

 

“Fuck you Hanji.”

 

“No, fuck you li’l prick. Fuck you and I mean literally because you really, _really_ need it. Not by me preferably, yuck. But seriously, how long has it been since you got laid?”

_Way to pump up my self-esteem about it… Shit. How long has it been indeed? I think… a year? I haven’t seen anyone but my own right hand in a year. Great. Such perfect relationship material l am._

 

“And that’s why he shouldn’t be interested in me.”

 

“Pardon, what? If anything, I think it fits well: let him screw your dry spell away.”

 

“He’s twenty-four.”

 

“And that explains… _what_ exactly?”

 

“He’s just starting out and I’m nearing end. He is excitable and hopeful while I’m tired and frustrated. I don’t do dating. I don’t do people. What the heck would he want from me?!”

 

“I can think of a few things he clearly does, seeing how he glances at your cute little butt so often.”

 

“It’s just… left-over shit okay? I was the one who dumped him so he probably—“

 

“Wants to get back at you? I really don’t think so but if that’s the case, I don’t care how adorable he is, I’ll switch gears you know?”

 

“Calm your tits before you go psycho… I didn’t mean it like that. We ended it on good terms and it was mutual. I meant he might be stuck over the idea of me? He was too young and he thought I was some awesome shit, so...”

 

“You _are_ some awesome shit.”

 

“Yeah, so awesome that I got kicked out of a teaching position after a single semester.”

 

“We both know it wasn’t working out anyway. Academia was never good for you.”

 

“For sure and I realised that when? _Only_ after a decade of hard work and pulling my hair out. That’s how fucking ‘awesome’ I am.”

 

“Not everyone realises their passions early on... Most don’t actually.”

 

“Eren did. Enthusiastic brat always wanted to be in publishing. He was eighteen and wrote shitty fan fiction but he knew what he wanted to do with his life.”

 

“Okay so he did, whatever. He was amongst the lucky 1%. That’s all. You were good at what you did, Levi… Still are, I mean come on, you yourself read the reviews of your books. You were just not good at the teaching part. Or being an academic part in general. Or being in academia at all. Or the Princeton part in specific, I mean, it was probably the worst choice possible.”

 

“Don’t even remind me Princeton ever again, or I’ll sew your mouth shut forever… Those intellectually constipated arrogant shitheads.”

 

Hanji massaged his tense shoulders gently as he rested his elbows on his knees, sitting on the sofa cross-legged, his form slouched and hands framing both sides of his head, which felt like imploding on itself from fatigue.

 

“And you owned those shitheads, Levi. You totally flipped them off. You’re still a genius in your field and you finally found a job that you actually enjoy and feel comfortable doing too!”

 

“At thirty.”

 

“Ugh Levi, come on… Age doesn’t matter here! You could have been sixty and it wouldn’t matter! But you’re not. Hell, you’re not even thirty yet. It’s still a couple of weeks away.”

 

“It doesn’t change the fact that I’m a bigass fuck-up.”

 

“Seriously, you bastard, if you’re a fuck-up I don’t know what does that say about the rest of us?”

 

“Says the person who has more than a dozen literary awards…”

 

Hanji roared with laughter and hugged their smaller friend from behind, snaking their arms around the thin waist and shook the body in their hold lovingly, tightly, while Levi struggled half-heartedly and groaned.

 

“My dear super-grump, I still don’t see why you should not pursue Eren?”

 

“Because it didn’t work when he was a naïve freshman, it will definitely not work when he is a full-fledged sardonic adult.”

 

Hanji didn’t respond to it, as if aware that there was more he wanted to say – the words, he wasn’t sure how to choose or put them. It was awkward and painful, knowing a person so intimately once in the past but having a frigid distance in the present.  Were they strangers now? But how could they be, when Levi still so vividly remembered the taste of Eren’s skin and lips? How do you package such tender knowledge such that you can maintain indifference, as if it never existed? It had been easy to come to learn Eren, to love him, but how to unlearn now?

 

It didn’t help that the years had added more to the charm of the young man who seemed so much more mature yet at the same time as youthful as ever. After mere seconds that felt like dreadful hours to Levi, his lips decided to move on their own and leak what was cooking in the recesses of his mind, his hands moving to his face in tandem, heels of his palms rubbing his eyes in a hopeless attempt to scrub away the frustration and weariness:

 

“He deserves better. And even if he does not realise it fully yet, he will eventually and want someone better and closer to his age. There is no point to this and I’m beyond easy lays. I’m fucking too old for that shit.”

 

“Let me repeat this again so that it can penetrate your thick skull: you’re not even thirty yet.”

 

“I will be. In less than a month. Screw this. I’ll rather be celibate rest of my life than throw myself for a one-night stand with my hot young subordinate and fuck our peace at the office forever. Work comes first at this point, both for me and him.”

 

He uncovered his face and reclined on his back, exerting quite a bit of power and taking Hanji with him, crushing their body between the backside of the sofa and his own weight, satisfied with their whining as they squeezed themselves out of the smothering position. Hanji frowned, which always looked strange on them and ruffled Levi a bit; the gesture that was so natural on him looked so alien on them.

 

“You don’t know if there’s no point to it! It doesn’t have to be an easy lay. You always liked him, I mean, I know you said you two weren’t working out then… And I never met him then so I had no idea but I’m thinking it was just, bad timing you know? He really seems like a good kid.”

 

“Bad timing? He was clearing the levels I had already passed and did want to look back to. On the other hand, he did not have a fucking clue what kind of crap _I_ was going through. I was vomiting from nerves of whether or not I was screwing my thesis and just what the fuck was I doing with my life in general… and he spent nights playing CoD or cramming for an exam the night before because the douchebag didn’t study in advance and went to all kinds of protests instead.”

 

“But it’s not like that now, is it?”

 

“It is similar enough. We are still years apart. Look… I’m _not_ gonna make a move on him. Run off your shoddy mouth as much as you like. I’m not tapping that ass.”

 

“You know you want to.”

 

“Well wanting is different than willing and I _will not_.”

 

Hanji sprawled on the other side of the sofa tiredly and shook their head,

 

“Fine, stubborn little shit. I still think he’d be good for you and that you’re really overthinking this. You might be an asshole but deep down you are a Care Bear and I know it and I’m sure Eren does too because he looks at you like _that_.”

 

“Like _what_?”

 

“With respect and affection.”

 

“Yeah, _sure_ ; he looks at me with horror and woe.”

 

“Well, that too…” Hanji chuckled, poking Levi’s side with their finger, which drew a snort from Levi as well and he thought, somewhere in the back of his mind that it wouldn’t be so bad if Eren indeed looked at him with respect and care too in addition to horror and woe… He’d… like that. Kinda. _Okay, shit, that would be great but no way of it being real, beyond Hanji’s delusions._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be more Levi's point of view but much rarer than Eren's. I always feel like I cannot do Levi well even though I'm more interested in his point of view. Oh well.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's this really expensive espresso machine at work but the first time I ever tried to use it I almost burnt my hand so now I avoid it as a thing of Satan and since I'm too bourgeois to drink the shitty coffee from the other single-button machine, I go to Starbucks. It puts such a dent on my income, alas, it is an addiction I simply cannot stop.
> 
> In other words, half of the work related details in this are quite realistic (or rather shamelessly based on my own experiences).

He heard the soft footsteps approaching him in the eerie silence of the empty office but thought it was the cleaning lady and did not pay much attention, internally happy that there was no loud vacuum cleaner tonight; he had a lot to finalise and the damned thing’s cries jumbled up his mind every time he stayed late for work.

 

Staying late for work at the office and chatting with the cleaning ladies had become almost a routine in the past week, thanks to the extra odd jobs Levi assigned him in addition to his main project. He would have to admit that trying his hand at different things around the office helped diversify his skill-set and assisting others meant exposure which meant better career growth. Nevertheless, it was tiring, especially with how being a newbie editor naturally brought so many trial-and-errors of its own.

 

“Why are you here?”

 

He jumped on his seat, quickly turning to the owner of the voice that he knew so well but was shocked to hear then and there.

 

“Levi?”

 

“I asked you a question?”

 

“Oh… I-I just have some stuff to finish.”

 

Levi pointedly glanced to the thin stack of papers Eren was working on and then turned his sharp gaze back to Eren’s face.

 

“Is that the outline? Bouteldja’s?”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“We have a soft copy policy.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Each doc is automatically saved and backed up in the cloud.”

 

“Yes. I know.”

 

“So why the fuck are you working on a hard copy that obviously has her own hand written notes?”

 

Eren was about to explain the reasons, though he doubted they could satisfy Levi, when he realised the implication of Levi’s statement and the words he was aiming for were completely lost, fading inside his mouth as his mind wandered elsewhere.

 

“Wait,” he said, his eyes confused and tired but trying their best to focus on Levi’s stoic face, “how do you know those notes are hers?”

 

Levi sighed exasperatedly as if he was dealing with a child; Eren remembered how the mere action dragged him down into a deadly swamp of insecurities in the past when they had been dating. Now though, he could not feel any such effect, knowing how Levi made these same gestures of gripe again and again to any and all, not just him. In fact, often they were not even intended for the person he was speaking with, but were due to his frustration with his own lacking communication skills… Not that Levi ever admitted that, but observing closely, it was rather evident.

_It’s interesting how I know these subtle details about him better now than before, despite the fact that I’m not sleeping with him or preparing him breakfast anymore… Do you have to perhaps move away from a person for a bit to realise certain things about them? Are they not visible when you are too close?_

 

“It’s not your handwriting…” Levi first said after a few seconds of silence, his words dragging and voice uncomfortable, then almost as a correction in hindsight he hurriedly added, “Also you are holding a red pen, her notes are written in blue.”

 

“Oh…”

 

_Did he actually remember my handwriting? Or was it the colour of the pen? I mean it must be the colour because that’s what’s the most obvious. But he said the other one first. Why did he say that first?! He must have recognised my handwriting. But even if he recognised my handwriting, it can’t be because he remembers from before! It’s probably because he saw those stupid self-motivation post-its I sometimes put on my desk. Shit. I should stop doing that. I probably look like a weird office-version of a soccer mom who leaves—_

 

“Eren?”

 

“Ah, sorry… I was just—“

 

“Sleeping with your eyes open?”

 

“No! I’m not even sleepy… It’s not even that late yet. I was just thinking…”

 

“ _Thinking_? Jeez, don’t hurt yourself. Are you planning to answer my question by the way? No rush, it’s not like I’m your _boss_ or something.”

 

After a momentary glare, it was Eren who sighed this time and averted his eyes from Levi’s face, honestly intimidated and slightly feeling guilty, though he found the chiding he received unfair and unnecessarily rude.

 

“I _know_ we have a soft copy policy and I _do_ have a soft copy… But she feels much better and more motivated when we work on a hard copy. So I’m entertaining her for now and applying any changes to the soft copy as well… We’ll fully switch back to soft copies after the outline, got her to agree to that already.”

 

Levi stared at him. It looked indifferent yet it was too intense and concentrated to be truly indifferent – this kind of stare was very characteristic for Levi and despite a full academic year spent in each other’s pants or the recent weeks of bickering in the office, Eren could not fathom its meaning at all. It was as if Levi was devoid of any emotion yet at the same time overflowing with them. This manic dualism always mesmerised Eren a bit, his mind running in circles trying to decipher it.

 

Levi sighed then; his peculiar sigh that translated to the word “but”. _I feel like I’m almost a Levi expert… Like ‘almost’. I bet Hanji knows more of his sighs and their meanings. Maybe I should ask them if they’ve been able to crack his weird ‘apathetic-but-not-really gazes’ as well._

 

“That’s not good practice. You’re doubling the work for yourself.”

 

“I know… I know… But she’s a first time author and I’m a first time editor, so… Isn’t it okay? Just to warm up?”

 

“Tch.”

 

When Levi suddenly left without any further comment, as if “tch” was some kind of a joker statement that said anything and everything that needed to be said, Eren was torn between exhaling in relief or ruminating till he got ulcer. He felt relief for not being subjected to Levi’s wrath; the man was very stubborn about procedures if he believed in their efficacy, and if not he did not care at all for them. Eren would not argue in this case, because he was in the wrong and Levi was in the right; working on a hard copy did mean twice the work for him. However, the fact that he was simply left back to his work without any word, not even a “good night” or a curt “whatever”, also suggested dissatisfaction on Levi’s part and it was the worst.

 

Because despite all their bickering and his own snide remarks about Levi – mostly within the privacy of his mind or Armin’s ear – he desperately desired some kind of recognition from his manager. It was obvious how Levi excelled in his job and considering it was the career Eren had dreamed of since high school, acquiring Levi’s recognition and respect would mean he was moving in the right direction.

 

And perhaps there was more to that – to that particular want in him that required praise, not from just any superior or business-insider but Levi specifically. But he preferred not to think about it.

_Actually don’t think about Levi at all. Are you an idiot? You have to finish reviewing this and then you still have to proofread the blog entry for next week. Shit. When will I actually be home tonight…? Will I even be able to go home tonight? Could I maybe stay at the office? The sofa in the atrium looks comfy enough… But I bet Levi would raise hell. Shit. No. No. Don’t think about Levi. Not thinking about—_

Soft steps approached him once again and this time, he was not caught unaware, still he was surprised. Especially so when a cup of coffee was placed in front of him near the sheets he was working on. The steam rose in a tantalising dance over the hot beverage and the foam was shaped in a lovely but simple leaf pattern. Eren recalled how Levi used to prepare the best coffee, even though he had preferred to drink tea more; the skill was apparently a legacy of his undergrad years spent working at a café. Eren could not help stare at the modest paper cup, courtesy of their office cafeteria which also had an extravagant espresso machine that Eren never used; too many knobs and settings and the only time he had tried, he had almost burnt his hand accidentally. Hence, he opted for the other coffee machine, the automated one that poured the liquid with the press of a button but of course the end results of the two machines were starkly different. He was doomed to shitty coffee at work unless Petra or others pitied and made him a cup as well using the espresso machine while they prepared one for themselves.

 

Levi cleared his throat and when Eren reluctantly turned his gaze back at him, he realised for the first time in a long time how awkward Levi looked. He seemed… almost unsure. His lips were in the same displeased and unreadable line as ever, but somehow he seemed tense.

 

“It’s shitty practice. Procedures are there for a reason. But you are a first time editor and she is a first time author. Basically: you’re both brats. So go knock yourself out, masochistic shit. But if you screw up, you own it. Also, I don’t give a fuck that you’re creating extra work for yourself and staying late: you’re still coming to work tomorrow in the morning properly.”

 

“Yeah… Okay. I wasn’t planning to come late or anything.”

 

“Good. By the way, don’t even think of sleeping at the office.”

 

“What? Why would I—“

 

“Because _you_ would.”

 

At the insinuation – even though it was very accurate – Eren glared and received an equally confident glare. Their mission to glare each other into submission lasted only five seconds or so and expectedly Levi was the victor, when Eren huffed and puffed and turned back to his work, mumbling a half audible “thanks for the coffee by the way.”

 

Levi apparently ignored the bit about the coffee and instead muttered a “good night” before walking away towards the hallway that led to elevators. However, after just a single step, he halted and asked, without turning his face to Eren,

 

“Do you have money for the cab? Don’t take the bus at this hour, it’s not safe.”

 

“Yeah, I’m good.”

 

Levi sighed loudly – again ‘that’ sigh. The one Levi made when it looked as if he was tired of the other person but was likely tired of his own endeavours in human communication and the miserable fate of being a social animal. Eren wanted to chuckle all of a sudden.

 

“When you have too much to do, you can take work with you home instead. Don’t stay too late in the office for fuck’s sake… it’s unsightly. If you need a laptop, ask IT, I bet they have at least a shabby one lying around.”

 

“Yeah, that’s a good idea. Thank you Levi.”

 

He reclined on his seat a little and scrutinised the proud back of the short man who did not reply him but simply walked off and soon disappeared around the corner at the end of the hallway. Eren turned back to his work then, making a mental note on asking IT for a laptop the next day, and slowly sipping from his coffee.

 

It had a lot of froth and was very sweet, just how he liked it and just how Levi hated yet apparently still remembered it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“So then she said that my ‘enthusiasm’ was ‘commendable’! Can you believe that? She actually said that! She complimented me! Me! I think I can die happy now.”

 

Eren exclaimed with cheer to Petra who smiled at the young man’s joy as she sipped from her cranberry juice. Levi snorted from the other side of the table,

 

“She was trying to politely say that you were fucking annoying and your mouth was in constant diarrhoea.”

 

Hanji elbowed him on the side rather forcefully and he unconsciously let out a moan at the sudden pain. While the distasteful comment caused Eren to scowl fiercely, he internally felt happy for the punishment handed by Hanji’s elbow and perhaps a little turned on by Levi’s moan that still sounded so familiar in his ears, despite the years. All in all, knowing that Levi was just being his usual arsehole self and not meaning any particular disdain, his contentment was unscratched.

 

“Well, she liked me more than you that’s for sure…”

 

“You know I was her editor once right?”

 

“What?!”

 

“Calm your tits. It wasn’t for a book… just a paper.”

 

“Still! Fuck. That’s so awesome. Shit, you’re so awesome.”

 

_Oops. Okay that… ‘That’ was not the right way of putting it. Or rather, it was the right way of putting it but exposing it was not the right choice. Shit._ Eren immediately dropped his gaze down to the bottle of beer in his hands hoping the blush flaring over his ears went unnoticed in the dim lighting of the bar.

 

Levi snickered and muttered something about “easily hyped brats”.

 

Hearing the comment that certainly lacked any reference to his slip up, Eren could breathe easier again.

 

“Sooo,” Petra drawled, suddenly her voice taking an elfish hue, “since I’ll be on maternity leave in April… Levi, who’re you gonna take with you to LBF?”

 

She was looking at Levi, her eyebrows wiggling and eyes glinting but Eren was already too taken by the idea itself to focus on the ongoing innuendo,

 

“LBF?! Levi will be going to the London Book Fair?!”

 

“Yeah, him and me. We go every year and take along at least one assistant editor too, to help with stuff and coordinate the interns there,” Hanji replied helpfully and with a wink.

 

“It’s a pain in the ass,” Levi scoffed, glaring daggers at Petra and ostensibly not bothering to actually answer her question.

 

“Um, since, y’know I’m Petra’s replacement and all—no, I mean not ‘replacement’ as in ‘ _replacement_ ’ but like since _I_ ’ll be taking over most of her duties once she’s off, so maybe _I_ –“

 

“Will you continue to mewl? Because I don’t think I’d like a mewling coy kitten as an assistant in the fair. It’d suck balls and LBF already sucks balls.”

 

“How can you say it sucks balls?! And hell yeah I want to tag along, it’s pretty much my dream and you know it, you asshole.”

 

Levi raised an eyebrow while Petra and Hanji looked at Eren with their mouth agape with bewilderment. _O-okay fuck, maybe loudly chiding and cursing your boss based on the assumption that being your ex he still remembers about your passions… maybe that’s not a very good idea, even if you are kind of tipsy and can blame it on the alcohol. But you’re actually not that tipsy, are you Eren, you dumbass, you just can’t control your anger. Or passion. Shit. Blame it on the alcohol. Quick, blame it on the alcohol._

 

“Um, I think I drank too much.”

 

“Well… alongside indeed knowing that you were a useless LBF fanboy, I can also recall you being a lightweight… though I don’t remember you ever being shifaced from just a single beer.”

 

Eren pouted in a mix of anger and irritation, while a certain anxious giddiness started flowing in his veins… _Fuck, he remembers, why does he remember? And is he seriously openly referring to our past when there are people around?! Fuck what do I do?!_

 

Hanji, thankfully, boisterously guffawed and suddenly hugged Levi tight while ruffling his hair as though he was a cute child (which Eren felt was a very morbid thought) and did not seem to mind the poisonous look directed at them from the man’s piercing eyes.

 

“Isn’t my _li’l_ asshole so mischievous sometimes? No worries Eren, my sweet baby boy, we’ll take you along. I mean, I’ll grab Moblit with me like always but no problem, this _li’l_ Grumpy Bear will choose you.”

 

“Says who?!” Levi spat, “and call me ‘lil’ one more time, I’m gonna rip your vocal cords out!”

 

He was struggling to get out of Hanji’s grasp but failing to do so, which made Eren ponder because though he had learnt rather sorely that Hanji’s grip was indeed tenacious, Levi was the strongest person Eren had ever met and could probably get out of their clutches if he wanted. So him ‘struggling without hope’ meant he was not trying too hard, perhaps to not accidentally hurt Hanji and the thought was… rather endearing. He recalled roughly how Levi would sometimes talk about this ‘one freaky scientist’ friend of his who was studying away at Berkeley. He had always used the harshest words and peppered his descriptions with the rudest commentary, though his voice had been the fondest and he would beam those rare smiles and even chuckles whenever he had talked of them… Eren had always thought it was something akin to the bond he had with Armin and hoped that they would continue to be so strongly attached even when full-fledged adults, even if they would end thousands of miles apart like Levi had been from his friend.

 

“Oi, brat. Why are you grinning like an idiot? Remove that shit-eating grin from your face or you’re back to only dreaming of LBF. I can’t deal with your fanboy flails on a business trip of all things.”

 

Eren cleared his throat awkwardly and tried his best to smooth his lips into a line but failed spectacularly. The biting words that stood in such contrast to the amused gaze couldn’t fool him after all and he realised just why he had liked the man in front of him despite so many things going wrong back then.

 

“Nah, ‘s not about LBF, though I mean, I am ecstatic about it. I’ll be professional, no worries…” He paused for a second, a certain impish urge tearing down his sense of survival and added calmly as he brought the bottle back to his mouth, “sir.”

 

Levi slightly choked on his own drink and glared at him but Eren didn’t miss the soft pink of his normally too pale cheeks. _Oh. So he does remember ‘that’ too… And he kinda still likes it too? Probably. Or is at least affected by the idea? Oh goddamn, he’d even be hotter shouting commands now. Maybe that’s why he’s so iffy about me calling him ‘sir’ in the office. Hmm._

 

Maybe he could take it a notch further. Maybe indeed Levi was not a perfect idol to be revered, as Armin put it. Maybe thinking that only in terms of “maybe”s itself was so fucking stupid. He grinned again,

 

“Um, I was actually smiling because I think the ‘Grumpy Bear’ comment was dead on.”

 

Petra and Hanji chortled while Eren smiled sheepishly; hoping Levi would continue to take it as… ‘gracefully’ as so far and not turn his murderous intent onto him instead. Levi sighed and shook his head, something about “suicidal brats” and Hanji nodded energetically, whispering about “youngsters these days not respecting their elders” only to earn a punch on their shoulder from Levi.

 

As Eren watched Levi squabble with his best friends, he thought that he would really enjoy the upcoming trip and not solely because of the fair itself…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is my interpretation (perhaps headcanon?) that Levi shows the way he cares in subtle ways, often with actions than words. Yes.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But who doesn't like ugly Christmas sweaters?

 

“Okay, I’m here and I’ve got chocolate, what’s the emergency?”

 

Levi scrutinised Hanji through narrow, drowsy eyes before leaving the door open to stomp back to the sofa in his living room. Hanji huffed loudly before going in and closing the door behind them.

 

“My precious crab. You were fine and giddily drunk just yesterday and what’s the problem now? Please don’t tell me it’s the Mr. Thirty blues again? I’m telling you, you don’t even look a day older than twenty-fi—“

 

Hanji couldn’t finish their word when a partially opened, nicely gift wrapped item was thrown on their face. They grumbled and threw the box of chocolate in return to Levi who skilfully grabbed it despite his obvious hangover and rotten mood.

 

“What’s this?” Hanji asked as they ripped the colourful wrapping apart to take out what’s inside which turned out to be…

“Yes! I knew someone else would finally realise how irresistible ugly Christmas sweaters are on you! Finally! The day when I meet a kindred soul. Who’s this person? I should congratulate them! And I love it! I bet it’ll look adorable on you…”

 

Levi angrily chewed the too-many pieces of chocolate he had stuffed in his mouth as he spoke so his voice was muffled beyond recognition. Hanji still heard the keyword loud and clear though:

 

“Eren.”

 

“Eren bought you this?!”

 

_Okay, why the fuck did I think asking Hanji to come over was a good idea when we already spent half the day yesterday together, shit. The goddamn banshee._

 

“Don’t yell…” He whined – _shit, I’m tired_ , “my migraine is banging me like a fuckton of bricks and… God!” He punched the sofa hard before lying down and curling into himself, barely occupying one half of the large furniture… “The fuck do I do?”

 

“What do you mean what do you do? Okay, firstly, you tell me what exactly happened…” He glared at them but they beamed happily, unperturbed, “and while you explain, _I_ ’ll go brew you some camomile tea and get you some Advil as well?”

 

At the mention of tea, Levi felt like singing hymns to his unsavoury saviour but swallowed the urge to pander to Hanji’s ecstasy and bribery, “mmm fine, whatever…” he mumbled instead with fake nonchalance; they were surely aware of the falsehood of his indifference because they snickered silently.

 

“So?” they shouted a few seconds later from the open kitchen area and Levi closed his ears with his hands.

 

“Volume control, Hanji, fuckin’ volume control. My head is killing me…”

 

“Uh yeah, okay, so what happened?”

 

“ _Oh nothing!_ After over twelve hours of sleep, I woke up painfully sober, once again conscious of my ending career in mortality… I was being a miserable ‘middle-aged’ man by myself, wolfing down the left-over birthday cake for breakfast. Then the doorbell rang and I thought, ‘ _fuck, what did the wacky weirdo forgot again’_ and yelled ‘ _what the fuck you want_ ’ as I opened the door... Only to meet with Eren Fucking Jaeger, smiling timidly and handing me a gift with trembling, freezing hands before saying he’s got to go and he just wanted the leave the shit because _apparently_ he’s going away to his sister or something for holidays. By the way who decided he gets a week of PTO?! It’s been only a few months since he started the job…”

 

“First of all, it was you who approved his vacation when he said that his sister asked him to join her in Cali for the holidays. I was shocked too and admittedly you were high on caffeine – it was right after your overnight trip to Germany, I think you were really jet-lagged… I even remember you almost smiling. It was definitely weird.”

 

“Fuck…”

 

“Did he actually call his own present ‘shit’ though?” Hanji asked incredulously as they returned and handed the cup of heavenly smelling tea and the two aquamarine capsules to Levi, who sat up a bit and took them carefully.

 

“No… He called it ‘ _a little something for your Birthmas_ ’. A little something. A fucking little fucking something, why the fuck would you fucking give a birthday or Christmas or fucking ‘Birthmas’ gift to your fucking ex who just happens to be your fucking boss now?!”

 

“Wow, say ‘fuck’ one more time and I think you’ll beat your previous record.”

 

Levi attempted his best at a murderous side-eye but in his frail and sulking state he knew that he merely looked pathetic than threatening. He huffed loudly from his nose, not unlike a spoiled sullen child much to his own dismay. Then he swallowed the pills and took a sip from his drink.

_Mmm… Yes. Yes, this. I don’t need a boyfriend. I don’t need sex. I need tea. Tea is the fuc— the best... Oh fuck it, tea is the fucking best._

 

“Look,” Hanji sat close, their arm dangling from the backrest of the sofa, “he wanted to give you a present, what’s the big deal? Most people in the office give you little trinkets for your ‘Birthmas’.”

 

“Yeah and they do it in the office. He came to my home. I don’t even know where the hell he got my address from…”

 

“Oh…”

 

“Oh? ‘ _Oh_ ’?! Hanji! I’m gonna drown you in this cup of tea, how can you pull such crap on me?”

 

“Don’t blame me! It was weeks ago… I thought he needed to send something to you for work or something, you sometimes work from home and in between trips—“

 

“Don’t lie to me. You’re too much of a genius to assume such bullshit.”

 

“Okay, fine, I thought maybe… That _maybe_ he wanted to hit on you, send you flowers or something. He didn’t seem like a creep either, so I thought it wouldn’t be risky.”

 

“Flowers? I’d—“

 

“Stab him with them. Or at least attempt to. Miraculously even manage it. Or at least threaten him with it. Probably just make him eat them? I don’t know! Whatever, you evil dwarf! Don’t you think you’re being overly protective?”

 

“Overly protective of what?”

 

“Of yourself _and_ him.”

 

Levi sighed into his cup and took a big mouthful of the delicious liquid, unwilling to respond to the painfully truthful enquiry just yet. Hanji had dropped some rose petals to the cup which added a nice aroma that pacified his agitated nerves. He was secretly grateful for his friend’s care but the meddling in his private life annoyed him. In fairness though, he was the one who let Hanji in on that aspect – literally invited and let them in; he wasn’t sure if that was the best idea, but alas he had no other friend to discuss these kinds of matters with. _Well, Erwin, maybe? Oh hell no, fuck, definitely not Erwin. He’d go all psychoanalytic on me. Nope, not discussing love or sex with Erwin ever again._

 

He closed his eyes and let himself be lulled by the enchanting scent of the tea, pushing away the awkward memories of that one time back in their undergrad years when he had opened up to Erwin. He concentrated on there and then and the clouds of disquiet that shaded and smothered his flimsy sprouts of hope.

 

“I just… I don’t know. I don’t know what he wants. This is…”

 

“Scary?”

 

Hanji’s tone was soft, the questioning word uttered almost in a whisper, careful to not rouse Levi’s defensive layer of denial. He did not reply and instead rested his head on the armrest of the sofa, half kneeling and half lying with the cup still in his hands. Nevertheless, the awkward position did not even occur to him as his mind erupted in memories of the past and possibilities of the future. He knew the answer to the query – Hanji obviously knew it as well. It was the said knowledge that brought forth a deluge of ideas and musings which swallowed his consciousness in whole and he lost himself in a daze of “if”s and “maybe”s. Relationships were difficult, especially so if you had not dabbled in them for a long time; remembrance of past failures, not only with others but specifically with Eren did not help flame any kind of optimism inside him. Still, the hope… _it’s one relentless bastard._

 

Hanji leaned in and gingerly took the half empty cup from him and placed it on the coffee table in front of the sofa before scooting closer to the smaller body of his friend and rubbing his nape and shoulders lovingly.

 

“You know… The fact that it was not the right time and place for you two then does not mean it will be so now. This… this _thing_ is always scary no matter what. Moblit practically adores me and has endured my antics for over a decade and even I feel insecure or scared at times. It doesn’t mean it’s not worth it though. In fact, it just means it’s _likely_ worth it…”

 

Many silent seconds passed and Hanji seemed content with not receiving a response but inside Levi analysed each word again and again before, almost a whole two minutes later, he mumbled,

 

“You really… think so?”

 

“Yeah. And if it doesn’t work out… Well, tough luck. I’ll always be here for you my li’l Grumpy Bear.”

 

Levi turned his face to stare at them and saw a kind smile on his friend’s face; not the usual maniacal grin. He could not help but snort at the stupid nickname then.

 

* * *

 

 

 

“This was a bad idea.”

 

“Eren… you already gave him the present.”

 

“And I shouldn’t have. Shit. Why did I?! Why did you not stop me?”

 

“Because you told me in advance to not stop you in case you got scared the last minute.”

 

“Ugh…”

 

“Eren, for the love of God, you’ve been ruminating over this for three weeks since you bought the thing. It’s already done. Just let it go… Focus on the fact that we might be late for our flight, maybe?”

 

“Don’t even remind me that… Shit. Mikasa will kill us.”

 

“Kill _you_. I’m not sacrificing myself because you could gain enough courage to give Levi his Christmas gift only at the last minute, the same day we’re flying to LA!”

 

“So you’ll just throw me under the bus? What a best friend you are Armin Arlert, I never knew.”

 

“Survival trumps all, Eren. Survival trumps all.”

 

After at most five seconds of silence, Eren couldn’t help but once again break under anxiety and regret,

 

“You should’ve stopped me.”

 

“Eren…”

 

“He hated it. God, he hates me. He glared at me so bad.”

 

“From what I remember he glared to everyone, all the time.”

 

“That’s just how his face is… This was different than his normal glare. This was like for-real-glare. ‘ _I’m pissed at you, you piece of shit_ ’ glare.”

 

“Why would he be so angry for receiving a present?”

 

“I don’t know! Maybe because he guessed it was a Christmas sweater…”

 

“Am I missing a point here? Surely it’s not the most… exquisite gift but why would it miff him?”

 

“Well he hates Christmas sweaters.”

 

“What? Why did you buy him one then?”

 

“Because they look so goddamn cute on him? They do, trust me, when we were together I once saw a photo of him wearing one and he was like a grumpy cat covered in festive cheer… It’s just irresistible.”

 

“I think you are doing this flirting thing wrong.”

 

“I’m not flirting with him.”

 

“Sure.”

 

“No, seriously, I’m not.”

 

“This… None of this makes sense.”

 

“Okay, sure, he said multiple times that he hates them when I begged him to try one on, but he still had quite a few of them in his closet, so he must not despise them so much? And I mean… I saw the thing and I knew it would be amazing on him. I just… I just had to. Don’t you ever get those moments? You see something and you know it would be the perfect match for a… Um…”

 

“For a… what? Boss? Ex-lover?”

 

“Ugh… Armin, do you have to make this so hard for me?”

 

“I’m not making it hard for you – you are making it hard for yourself. You were hitting on him.”

 

“No, I was not. I was—shit. Was I? Does that count as…? Oh fuck, it does count as hitting on him, right? What did I do?! How will I face him when I’m back to work?”

 

“I cannot believe y—“

 

The shrill of Armin’s mobile phone caught both their attention and they stared at the phone like an abomination, an omen of the End Times.

 

“It’s Mikasa.”

 

“I can see that from the Caller ID.”

 

“Eren, take it.”

 

“Why am I taking it? She’s calling you!”

 

“I’m driving.”

 

“You can talk from the speakerphone.”

 

“Eren.”

 

“I’m not—“

 

As soon as Armin’s phone stopped ringing, Eren’s started, much to his horror and Armin’s almost automatic response by accelerating the car further. Eren gulped visibly and then took the call.

 

“Oh hey Mikasa, yeah we are on our way to the airport… Huh? No, no worries. We’ll make it… Yeah… We were delayed because…  Because there is a lot of snow.”

 

Armin gave an accusatory glance against the feeble excuse, to which Eren silently mouthed “it is not a lie – there’s snow” while pointing outside with his free hand, only for Armin to shake his head in disapproval as a response.

 

“Yeah don’t worry Mikasa, we’ll definitely—“

 

“Eren…” Armin’s face paled and voice trembled with fear, “It seems there is an accident on the Main…”

 

“Fuck, are you kidding me?! Huh? No, no I wasn’t talking to you Mikasa… Um, so, now _hypothetically_ speaking if we indeed missed the flight…”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A friend of mine who is single and works in a hipster-y startup complained how their HR gives these handbaked super-healthy vegan cookies that taste awful for Valentine's day and suddenly I was so glad that HR in my company gives us Lindt chocolates. 
> 
> Also: long chapter ahead!

 

“So then I told them, he’ll throw a fit if he sees your desks like that. And I mean, okay, I understand not everyone is tidy, I’m myself not, but how hard it is to keep a tiny cubicle relatively clean? At least wipe away the food stains, right?”

 

“I suppose so?”

 

“Well they did _not_ listen to me and guess what? Levi comes in early one morning, realises the absolute filthy condition of one of the desks and actually punished the guy by making him clean not just his own desk but the entire cafeteria for a whole week.”

 

“That’s rather harsh…”

 

“Yeah but that’s how he is: he is a spartan neat-freak. There’s no way around it. They need to learn to mitigate. I can’t say I’m sorry for the horse-face anyway. It’s an office, not stables.”

 

Eren sipped from his wine, his mouth dry from all the talking. Though he initially had suspicions about having a blind date, this Marco guy proved to be very easy to talk to and generally pleasant. It would be a little cruel to turn him down at the end but the man did not seem like type who would be particularly offended for being rejected.

 

“You really… know your boss… this Levi person very well, huh?”

 

Eren chuckled between sips; “Well, I did date him once.”

 

As Marco’s eyebrows rose at the revelation, he realised what he just said and choked on wine. _Wow. Way to go tiger. You just told that to your blind date. Your ‘blind date’, you asshole. Uh, I hope he’s not mad._

 

Eren nervously searched for discomfort in Marco’s pretty brown eyes but instead found mirth there which was a relief but also a puzzle. Marco giggled, wiping his mouth politely with a napkin.

 

“I see now… So you used to date your manager?”

 

“Technically he was not my manager at the time.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“It was a long time ago, actually. When we were in college. It’s not like I knew he’d be my manager when I started working at the Survey.”

 

“So it’s been years…”

 

“Pretty much.”

 

They stared at each other a bit and then Marco leaned in slightly, resting one elbow on the table and his face on his hand, an amused smile stretching on his lips.

 

“Eren, you’re not really interested in me are you? As a date, I mean?”

 

“Um… You are an interesting… _person_.”

 

“But not one you are planning to date?”

 

Eren sighed and took a large gulp from his drink, suddenly disappointed that he was not in the least bit tipsy. This would be easier to handle if he was at least a little intoxicated.

 

“It’s not you, it’s me… Wow that sounded really wrong. I mean, I’m not much interested in dating right now. I’d like to focus on my career since I’m still a newbie and I do want to advance so…”

 

“I understand and respect that. Makes me wonder why you wanted a blind date though?”

 

Eren moved his gaze elsewhere – anywhere but Marco’s face. _Oh, that waiter’s vest is so crooked. If Levi was here and that man was our waiter, he’d probably try to fix the guy’s clothing before serving us. God. Why am I—_

 

“Let me guess… you actually did not?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“You did not want a blind date?”

 

Eren sighed once more and downed the rest of the beautiful red in his glass before answering;

 

“Okay, yes, I did not ask for a blind date. My sister kind of forced it on me.”

 

Marco seemed thoughtful.

 

“But why?”

 

“Something about me needing partner and happiness only a lover could bring and… um, whatever. Basically she just wanted me to meet someone nice, I think? She’s a bit meddlesome and you _are_ someone nice.”

 

“Thank you, I try to be. I’m sorry you had to be pushed into this though, if you had told me earlier I wouldn’t—“

 

“No, no, hold on right there. I’m not regretting _this_. You’re really easy to talk to and it’s been a long time since I ate dinner in a fancy place. I’m more than happy I came. There’s a reason why I stayed, you know; you are very good company.”

 

Marco smiled, a soft blush adorning his large cheeks and Eren wondered if it was indeed the right move to pass up this guy… He really was not interested though. No spark whatsoever.

 

“Thank you, again. I wouldn’t mind just being friends by the way.”

 

“I would actually love that.”

 

“Sure. By the way, I hope I’m not being too intrusive, but could your sister’s ‘um whatever’ reason for pushing you to a blind date be your boss?”

 

“Wha—How… did you?”

 

“You do realise that since we’ve been seated, you’ve talked about him almost nonstop?”

 

Eren froze for a moment as Marco smiled sheepishly at him. _Oh shit. Did I literally babble all night about Levi to my date and then told him that I had dated Levi once… Fuck. Eren Jaeger, just how much of an inane jerk could you be. Congra-fucking-tulations._

 

“I’m sorry, I hope I’m not making you uncomfortable?”

 

“Are you kidding?! I hope _I_ did not make you uncomfortable. I’m the one who should be sorry. Shit. I mean… I didn’t really realise I was doing it… Like at all.”

 

“It’s fine, I kind of got that you were not aware of it…”

 

“It’s just… it’s complicated you know.”

 

“I can see that. You seem to be quite taken with him though.”

 

“It’s not like that…”

 

“Well, you don’t have to talk about it with me anyhow, I’m kind of a stranger. But I just wanted you to know that maybe you’re not interested in dating anyone, because you are already interested in dating… someone? Someone specific that is?”

 

“Are you trying to say what I’m thinking you’re trying to say? Because really… I was serious when I said I want to focus on my career. Also, I dated him once. The key being: past tense. It is in past tense because it did not work out.”

 

“The fact that it did not work out once, years ago does not mean that it will not work out now though, does it? You’re practically different people now, probably. Again, I’m sorry if I’m stepping my boundaries… But I just wanted to share my observation, that’s all.”

 

“Yeah, I get that…”

 

Eren was flustered at the line of questioning – not because he felt particularly discomforted at talking the matter, in fact, he recognised he preferred discussing it with Marco than others. Armin had been supportive but he had pounded his blond cherub too much on the topic that he felt guilty pouring his guts over him again and again. Mikasa… on the other hand had been a completely different story. She had not been happy about Levi’s re-entrance into Eren’s life at all and he could not blame her for it, even if he thought she was overreacting. Surely, getting Eren a blind date was a ploy to take his mind off Levi but considering how the night went, it did not seem to be successful. In any case, sharing thoughts on the topic with a complete stranger proved to be pleasant and refreshing as there was no need to inhibit any detail.

 

“Okay, I really was being incredibly nosy just now, wasn’t I? I’m sorry, how about we get some desserts and it’ll be on me? As an apology?”

 

He had not realised that his silent pondering and serious face had caused Marco to think the worst. He couldn’t help chuckling at that.

 

“Marco, I swear to God you’re an angel. Again, if anyone should be apologising it should be me… I’m sure this… _This_ was not what you were expecting from your date. I’m a really shitty boyfriend-candidate as you can see.”

 

“Not really, it was interesting and I’m enjoying my time.”

 

Marco smiled and signed for the waiter who came to take their orders for the dessert. For a second there, Eren wondered, if indeed it was alright to forgo pursuing the cute and amicable brunet in front of him. However, when he realised that there was a tiny splotch of sauce on the right cuff of his date’s pristine dress shirt, he immediately thought of how such a thing would be impossible for Levi. Or rather, it would be possible – but if it ever happened, Levi would either rush to bathroom to clean the little stain or go home altogether to put the ‘dirty’ item in laundry. It was completely irrational, but he would likely do it. The realisation that his mind kept on wandering to his viciously neat ex and that unlike many others he did not find the OCD tendencies particularly disturbing convinced him that he was correct on not pursuing Marco.

 

_Heart wants what heart wants and mine wants a constantly-livid and obsessive-compulsive doppelganger of Atom Ant apparently._

 

* * *

 

 

He gaped in horror at the charmingly packaged item on his desk. It was as if the object’s mere existence was an offense to his very being and how dare the universe would place it on his own desk of all places. Alas, there was no running away from it.

 

“I hate Valentine’s,” he murmured as he took the small packet that so successfully nettled his insecurities and frustrations. There were two heart shaped oatmeal cookies with dark chocolate drops inside the pink transparent wrapping which was tastefully bound with a cutesy fuchsia ribbon. “Hand baked for our dear colleagues!” was the little note attached to it, apparently a ‘gift’ from their HR branch to everyone in the office.

 

_But why?_!

 

Why would he have to deal with this crap even in their publishing house which was deemed to be so “rad”, so “avant-garde”, so “renegade”…? He had written a deconstruction of “love in modern times” just last night as a blog post for their own website for God’s sake. Yet here he was, on the morning of another February 14, still single with only two cookies baked by the HR of all people. He was miserable. _I’ll die alone… I’ll die alone and then my cat will eat my body and Mikasa will find my corpse two days later and partially eaten after I had stopped returning her daily calls…_

 

He sighed and stuffed the little package in the large pockets of his oversized cardigan; nobody he knew would eat something so healthy and unappetising… Well… Nobody he knew _but_ Levi. His manager would certainly get one himself from the HR though, so there was no point in offering. The man looked even more ashen and furious than usual these days anyway. _How does he manage being so pale and enraged at the same time? Aren’t you supposed to get red if you’re irate? His actual fury has always been more of an arctic blizzard than a scorching fire._

 

As Eren started his work, cranky even more when he saw how many proofreading tasks Levi had assigned him for the day – _what the heck, I’m not a proofreader for fuck’s sake, why is he doing this to me? Is it that much fun to torture me?! Argh!_ – he tried to console himself that this nefarious day would at least end in peaceful joy with his dearest friend. As two lonesome souls, it was their tradition with Armin to spend Valentine’s nights wrapped in warm blankets, watching sappy romantic comedies, drinking and testing who could eat more sweets. Years ago, Mikasa used to join them as well in this act of civil disobedience against Valentine’s Day and the exploitative greeting card industry; he fondly remembered those days and had to admit that he missed his sister, even though they had seen each other during holidays…

 

His sweetly nostalgic reminiscence and alleviating hopes for the night were shattered half an hour before lunchtime when he received two messages from Armin. The first was a series of over a dozen “SORRY”s and ended with a ‘nervous’ emoji. The second explained the reason behind the apology: Armin was casually asked on a date by that neurosurgery resident whom he had been crushing on desperately for almost two years now. She looked like a terrifying ice queen despite her petite size and always wore a stoic expression, so Eren was not sure what exactly made her so irresistible to Armin but he thought he was not in any position to criticise his friend for being infatuated with a seemingly emotionless tiny ball of frigid ire. _No wonder we’re best friends; we have the same lousy taste. Though I’m not really into blonds so…_

 

He cheered on his friend in his response, repeating multiple times that it was “not a problem” and while his delight over Armin’s good fortune was sincere, it not being a ‘problem’ was not fully truthful. He would never be selfish but he could not help the feeling defeated and lonely. _Hell, I’ll probably bawl my eyes out instead of making sarcastic jokes over romantic crap today so yeah Eren, buddy, no romcoms for you tonight. I can watch horror… Maybe I should watch ‘My Bloody Valentine’… Buy some booze and candies on the way home. Drown myself in cheap chocolate._

 

Lost in his own dread for the next half an hour, he did not realise Hanji and a few others enthusiastically chirping in the cafeteria until Hanji practically yelled his ears off:

 

“Eren! My sweet angel! I was just about to come and get ya!”

 

He blinked a few times before composing himself and placing his homemade lunch on the table – a plastic container filled with his very own recipe of fettuccine alfredo.

 

“Um, you needed me for something?”

 

Hanji raised what they were holding – a small basket filled snugly with all kinds of expensive looking chocolate.

 

“Goodies have arrived! It’s time for our annual Interdepartmental Saint Valentine’s Trivia Race!”

 

“Interdepartmental what?”

 

“It’s a trivia competition between Fiction and Non-Fiction people.”

 

“Trivia of what though?”

 

“Mainly romance and love in contemporary fiction and pop culture?”

 

“Isn’t that kind of biased?”

 

“Why? Because we do fiction? Pfft. Please. In fact, for the last five years the consecutive winner has been Non-Fiction peeps. Such a tragedy.”

 

“Really? That’s strange…”

 

He took a glance at Erd, since he was not sure if Hanji was bluffing him but Erd nodded with a smile, “Petra’s been kicking their ass…”

 

“Oh. But she’s not here today, is she?”

 

“Yup!” Hanji roared and then leaned towards Eren like a predator staring down their prey, “And you my pretty boy are the best replacement for her!”

 

“What? Me? No way.”

 

“Told you he’d be too scared Hanji.”

 

Eren shot a dirty look at the young man who had chimed in and had the audacity to smirk.

 

“I’m not scared. Why the heck would I be scared? How old are you Jean? Nine? Twelve?”

 

“Why don’t you want to do it then?”

 

“Why do _you_ even want to do this? Never pegged you as one into romance.”

 

“Who says I’m not into romance? My master’s thesis was titled ‘Tracing Romeo and Juliet in 20th century Sci-Fi’. Why would I turn away a chance to kick you guys’ ass, return the glory to the Fiction dep, and get some chocolates as a bonus?”

 

There was nobody else in the whole company who provoked Eren as much as Jean Kirschstein did. And the thing was… Eren was actually very good in romance trivia. He had always loved watching and reading romance; it had been one of his favourite genres. He had also received his fair share of bullying and snide comments about this particular preference though and thus had learnt over the years to hide his hobbies. _I’m sure as hell I can beat Jean’s sorry equine ass at this but do I really want to expose my inner corny fanboy… Argh, shit, why does this day keep getting worse?_

 

“C’mon Eren! Don’t you want a show down with Jean? I think you guys would be perfect rivals for this year! And you wouldn’t want to miss these goodies, now, would you? They’re really good. All European stuff. Real deal y’know. Thanks to me and Levi.”

 

“Levi?!”

 

Much to their displeasure the exact comment of disbelief had arose from both Eren and Jean at the same time. They quickly exchanged glares as if to confirm their resentment with each other. Hanji giggled at their situation.

 

“Yep. Surprised? Well I’ve aaaaalways been into trivia and—“

 

“No, I mean, why would Levi sponsor… _this_?”

 

“Why wouldn’t he?”

 

Hanji winked purposely to Eren, who flushed slightly. Levi had never been into romantic antics nor sweet things, though he was passionately fond of dark chocolate. Hanji personally must have managed to get Levi to agree into sponsoring the prize and Eren was in awe at this accomplishment. _I really should ask them how the hell they can get Levi to obey them so easily… Do they hypnotise him or something?_

 

“So, Jaeger, are you in or out?”

 

Eren pondered for a second while his eyes shot daggers to Jean’s pompous sneer. On one hand, he would be parading his inner mushy dork for all to see. On the other hand, he would be removing that conceited smirk of Jean Kirschstein’s face. And chocolates. Pricey, sweet, sweet chocolates. _Oh well, it’s not that difficult of a choice to make…_

 

“Say your prayers Jean, you’re going down.”

 

“Oh we’ll see.”

 

“Yeah, we’ll see.”

 

If he had to admit, and he did not have to and thus would never do, it was a fierce battle. He had not seriously thought that Jean would indeed know so much pop culture junk and recall them all so flawlessly too. The sci-fi questions were especially formidable yet that made it all the sweeter that at the end it was Eren who won and did so because Jean completely failed at remembering the name of Paul Atreides’ one true love. _Serves you right, horseface._

 

The basket full of chocolates brightened his gloomy day a little. He would likely finish half of it and stuff himself with them till no place was left in his stomach for any other food, if it wasn’t for Mikasa’s message in the afternoon celebrating his Valentine’s and reminding him kindly to not gobble down too much sweets and eat something proper. Remembering his long forgotten pasta at the cafeteria, he had his delayed lunch at 5 pm. Going back to his desk, he was once again painfully aware that he had… nothing to do. Other than work. _Yeah, I can work. I can finish all the proofreading asks and this way I won’t have to rush them later in the week. Yes. I’m a working adult and I will work because this is a work day._

 

The next time he took a break and went to grab a coffee, the clock on the wall of cafeteria read 7 pm. He returned back to his desk in anguish once again, his feet heavy, eyes tired, and lips turned down in a frown. Suddenly, he felt much unmotivated. Maybe he should have left for home. That idea of watching horror films surfaced on his mind again, just before his eyes caught the sight of the lavish basket of chocolates on the other side of his desk. He looked through it and realised at least one half were dark chocolates. He preferred milk chocolates over dark ones, mainly because of his sweet tooth but also because the bitter taste of cacao in general was unpalatable to him. He remembered once again how Levi often indulged in dark chocolate, going on and on about the benefits of cacao and scrunching his nose over milk chocolate which he found to be too sugary. Certainly, Levi was not being a loser bum like him in this significant day and was out having fun dates… _Maybe sexy dates. Maybe fun and sexy dates. Fuck. Why am I thinking about him again?!_

 

As if his own attempts at kicking his own crippled self-esteem were not enough, he felt the urge to check if Levi still showed online on the corporate messenger – a sure sign of him busy working and not fine dining with someone special. The fortune was finally on his side as he realised the little green status icon near Levi’s name. Perhaps he was being selfish and sour, but the fact that he was not alone in spending Valentine’s night working allayed his tense nerves and aching self-doubts. He wondered if Levi was working from home or at the office, for he had not seen his prickly manager all day. He slid his swivel chair away from his desk and twirled around to peek at the corner office in their floor. Lights were on.

 

It was stupid to be happy about it. Not just stupid but putrid. Atrocious. How could he be glad that Levi was lonely? Was he lonely though…? He never seemed particularly lonely. Considering how fine his boss was, the man could woo anyone he wanted. Hence, being alone tonight must have been a preference than a failure at dating, right? Eren started swinging from one side to another on his chair absentmindedly as he eyed the office on the far end, beyond the cubicle jungle. _Being a workaholic and a misanthrope, he probably enjoys working today than going on dates._

 

Levi had never been very interested in dating, that much Eren knew. Even when they were together, Levi preferred casual company and time spent in peace at home than outings. He recalled the only Saint Valentine’s in his twenty five years of living that he spent with a boyfriend: it had been in his first year of university and with Levi. It had… not been something similar to what one sees in Hollywood films. There had been no candlelight dinner at an upscale French restaurant. There had been no exchange of gifts or flowers. Instead, they had tried cooking together and mostly failed at it. He could not recall what they had made but at least it had been edible. He could clearly remember how Levi had refused to serve him wine though, which had led to a round of bickering and then some rough housing which in turn led to an intense make out session on Levi’s tiny living room’s floor which always smelt lightly of bleach. They had watched a romantic comedy film later in the night despite Levi’s protests but Eren had enjoyed it a lot, especially whenever Levi snidely commented on what was going on the screen. Mr Sourpuss loved nitpicking films in general and his criticism peppered with toilet humour and profanity always managed to send Eren into giggling fits.

 

He sighed at the pleasant details of their past which had ended in a cold detachment that he believed neither had truly deserved. “That’s how life is”, he murmured to himself as he drifted his chair towards his desk once more. He was about to start typing, hand hovering over the keyboard when an idea occurred to him. Honestly, he was not sure if it was the best idea… _Scratch that. It’s a terrible idea. Why did I even think of this? Now I’ll keep thinking of it till he leaves the office… Ugh, I hate myself. Damn it._

 

He grudgingly stood up and grabbed the basket and took a second to calm his nerves to the best of his abilities and at least stop his hands from shaking nervously. There was no reason to be so fidgety. _Just breathe. It’s normal. Many office mates do this. Wait, are we office mates with Levi? In a sense, we are right? Well I’m sure many people do this with their boss too. Mostly to suck up to their superiors probably but… Oh shit. Will he think I’m sucking up to him?! No, he won’t. He knows my character well enough. Uh, Eren Jaeger, stop being antsy over stupid shit and put your only good quality to use: determination, tiger. Determination. You can do this._

 

After a deep breath, he walked over to Levi’s office and knocked the door but entered before the other even had a chance to say anything. He found Levi sitting at his desk, dark circles of his eyes a deeper shade than usual, his gaze fatigued, about to take a bite from an oatmeal cookie courtesy of the HR. He raised an eyebrow at his intruder and put away the half eaten cookie, instead reaching for his cup of tea and taking a quick sip.

 

“If you’re gonna barge in anyway, why do you knock? Background music for your grand entrance?”

 

“Oh,” Eren’s dazed staring at every detail of Levi came to a halt with the stern voice of his boss, “I’m sorry… I didn’t think.”

 

Just as the words made it out of his mouth, he cursed himself silently; _yeah, genius Eren! Go ahead, give him a bone to chew on. Great. God knows what he will spout now._

 

Instead of the crude comeback he was expecting, Levi took a moment to scrutinise him in curiosity and then asked in a disinterested voice that did not match the glint in his gaze,

 

“So? Why are you here? Other than gawking at me.”

 

_Okay objectively that’s not very nice but on Levi’s standards it’s pretty much an enamoured teasing, so wow, he must be in a good mood. Why is he in a good mood when he looks like he hasn’t slept in days and is stuck at the office on Valentine’s of all days?!_

 

“Um, apparently there’s this trivia competition between departments?”

 

“Hanji’s shenanigans, yes?”

 

“’Hanji’s shenanigans’? They told me you were one of the sponsors.”

 

“I did not have a choice.”

 

“Wow Hanji _is_ formidable.”

 

Maybe that was not the right comment to make but it did bring ghost of a smile over Levi’s alluring lips so Eren counted it as an unintended win.

 

“That, they surely are. Will you get to your point or do I have to dissect it out of you?”

 

Eren chuckled and lifted the basket, wiggling it for a second,

 

“I won.”

 

“No shit. It would be weird if you didn’t. How did they even let you in? You shouldn’t be allowed.”

 

“What? Why not?”

 

“Because it’s obvious that you’d win.”

 

Levi took a long sip of his tea and Eren beamed timidly. He was not even sure if he could count the remark a compliment but even the hint of a praise from Levi elated him and spurred butterflies and tingles all around his body.

 

“Well… Jean wasn’t that bad either actually.”

 

“Did you just call Jean ‘not bad’? Okay, did you eat anything funny today? Are you high? I hope you’re not smoking pot in the office because if so, I’ll kick your shitty ass out the door. You know I can’t stand the smell.”

 

Eren chortled, his previously excited nerves mollified and a serene joy spread into the pit of his stomach.

 

“I don’t smoke pot anymore… Anyway, I won and it turns out half the basket is full of dark chocolates, which I don’t eat.”

 

Levi took another long sip from his tea but his eyes never left Eren’s face; he was clearly amused which strangely relaxed Eren. It had been a long time since they bantered like this.

 

“So?” Levi asked.

 

“So, as you know I hate wasting food,” Eren couldn’t help a smirk escape onto his lips before he continued, being fully aware that Levi shared this specific hate of his in an equally passionate manner, “I thought that I could give them to you because they seem very expensive and delicious and I know how much you like dark chocolate, don’t even deny it.”

 

He started taking the chocolates out of the basket and onto Levi’s desk while answering and even though he was not looking at Levi’s face at the time, he could swear he heard his usually grouchy manager huff jovially.

 

“Doesn’t your sister also like dark chocolate?”

 

That shot Eren’s gaze back to Levi in a flash and it apparently took his boss a couple of seconds to realise that perhaps such a miniscule detail was not something easily remembered. Eren was positively surprised at the fact. Levi soon shrugged, “What? You know I have a good memory.”

 

He indeed had. It did not rain on Eren’s parade though and the young man shrugged in return and let out a quiet giggle which caused Levi to shake his head disapprovingly and take another mouthful from his tea; by now Eren was about 70% sure that Levi was taking the cup to his mouth in strategic moments to hide his smiles. Perhaps it was wishful thinking. Perhaps it was stupid. But Eren truthfully thought so.

 

A moment later, all the packages of dark chocolate now neatly stacked on Levi’s table, Eren softly said, “it’s not like I could send them to her you know… She’s literally on the other side of the country.”

 

“True.”

 

Eren stood there for a second watching Levi stare at the chocolates. He wondered why the moment felt so intimate despite it lacking any physical or emotional proximity. Levi lifted his gaze to Eren’s face after those few silent seconds shared,

 

“Anything else?”

 

“Um, no. Just that.”

 

“Okay. Thanks. Have a nice night.”

 

“You too.”

 

Eren smiled before he turned to leave. Just after he closed the door behind him, he paused and faced back, stealing a glance at Levi through the edge of the glass window. His boss was savouring a piece of chocolate in his mouth; lips moving lazily and eyes focused on the screen of his mac. Eren felt unnecessarily flushed at the scene and reverted his gaze swiftly, moving back to his desk in a giddy pace. When he sat down on his seat once again and his eyes flickered through the screen of his own computer, all of a sudden the idea of proofreading throughout the night did not sound so bad and he did not feel as lonely anymore.

 

It was very odd because he still despised proofreading and he still was the sole one left still working in their whole floor, not counting Levi.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pop culture romance trivia may or may not have been something we used to do with friends at uni, since 14th always fell onto midterms for us and most of us didn't have a steady partner anyway. And we were geeks.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A friend of mine who works in a famous publishing house often complains how his managers never read any email if it is more than 200 words long and I always laugh at both the irony of the situation and his misery. Yeah. I am not a very nice person.

“How about a collar?”

 

Levi choked on his tea.

 

“Hanji!”

 

“What?”

 

Hanji’s eyes were deceptively filled with innocence, as though there was nothing wrong with the suggestion they just made. Levi gave an exasperated sigh as he scrutinised his cuffs and the area around the saucer to ensure not a single drop had stained anywhere. It had not; _thank God…_

 

“You know, you want to.”

 

He glared daggers against Hanji’s wiggling eyebrows.

 

“You’re disgusting. This is fucking inappropriate.”

 

Hanji’s eyebrows stopped their dancing as a confused expression overtook their face; Levi simply sighed again in response, as though the matter needed explanation but apparently it did because this was Hanji and their perception of norms was fucked up… _How could they think that—Did they even think—No, they did not._

 

“We’re on the clock shitty glasses.”

 

The honest rationale made Hanji roar with laughter so loud that Levi thought for a second his whole room was shaken by a sonic boom, instinctively holding onto his delicate teacup to ensure its safety. Teacups come first, he had learnt a long time ago.

 

“So that’s your excuse– that’s what makes it, ‘inappropriate’? That we are on the clock? Oh I can’t wait till we’re off the clock tonight then. This is just great.”

 

 

“That’s—that’s not all, of course.”

 

“Weeell, that wasn’t what you said though, was it?“

 

“Hanji, I’m not buying him a collar as a birthday present.”

 

Despite how alluring the sight of Eren with leather around his neck was – and he had seen it once, which only added to its magnetism – discussing it out loud felt incredibly wrong. Especially when he was still at work. In his office. In his office that was mere metres away from Eren Jaeger’s cubicle.

 

_Fuck._

 

“But you said you won’t give him a ki—“

 

“I’m not giving him a kitten as a birthday present either.”

 

“The pin-up idea—“

 

“I’m not giving him a pin-up of my own goddamn half-naked self. How do you even come up with these?!”

 

“He undresses you with his eyes at least once a week so you have to admit that the last one isn’t very hard to imagine at all…”

 

That– _okay_ , that was fair. _Maybe_. Levi had to admit that he had found longing stares lingering over his form, especially in the recent weeks, more than once. The culprit though looked so thoroughly innocent and beamed so nonchalantly after the said crime, albeit with a dust of pink covering his soft cheeks and Levi just couldn’t bring himself to be mad. There was also the fact that he actually felt wanted and flattered and coming from Eren these fleeting gazes… stroked his ego. In a very, very nice way.

 

_Shit. Fuck my life._

 

“You’re daydreaming.”

 

He turned a murderous glare to Hanji who was grinning like a mad scientist on the brink of a major breakthrough.

 

“I am not buying him a birthday present.”

 

_It would only complicate things._

 

That wiped the smug grin off Hanji’s face at the speed of light and they exhaled exaggeratedly as if they had just run a marathon, then their lips pursed into a judging pout. It was unnerving; Levi could handle various manic-happy sides of Hanji but the frustrated or sad ones? He couldn’t bear them at all and often succumbed to their whims just to make it better. It just… felt wrong, seeing Hanji crestfallen.

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because it would only complicate things.”

 

“Levi, Levi, _Levi_ , the apple of my eye, why are you being so…”

 

Hanji simply sighed instead of ending the sentence; as they both knew how it ended, no need to utter the horrendous truth out loud. They shifted in the chair in front of Levi before plopping an elbow on his desk and resting their face on a fist, pointedly observing Levi who felt as though a blinding spotlight was singling him out in a crowd.

 

“What?” He mustered after a long sip from his tea, which was unfortunately not strong enough to calm him down _. I should’ve gone for Assam and not Darjeeling. It’s not heavy enough for this conversation, for fuck’s sake..._

 

“You don’t have to be so… _You know_. ‘So’.”

 

“I know _that_. But it _is_ complicated.”

 

“You are making it complicated! Two adults interested in each other, pursuing—“

 

“Hanji, we already did that once—“

 

“Once. Once in the past. ‘Past’ Levi; I’ve never seen you stuck in the past before, so why are you mewling about it so stubbornly now?”

 

_Mewling about it?! I don’t—fuck, do I? Shit. Fucking brat making me do things…_

 

“Because,” he focused his eyes on the orange-golden liquid in his white porcelain cup, as if the answer to his concerns lay in somewhere there, beneath the musky deliciousness and at the bottom of the cup, “I don’t want to see him disappointed again. He matters, Hanji; he really does.”

 

When no answer came from his normally overtly noisy friend, he glanced to them only to find them staring at him with eyes dripping affection and a kind smile of empathy on their lips. He felt shy, all of a sudden, realising the brutal tenderness of his words and how truthfully and holistically they were recognised by Hanji who knew him better than anyone else, perhaps, not counting Erwin.

 

“You really like him.” They said, not a single hint of cheeky defiance; simply an observation, a content and peaceful observation. A painfully correct observation.

 

Instead of answering, Levi took a sip from his tea.

 

“You should buy him a present,” Hanji said then and Levi was about to bark back a refusal but they gave him a tough look that was intriguingly laced with loving comprehension, “you should; he gave you one, it is not a matter of exchange but it _is_ a sign that he would not only not mind but even appreciate getting one. Don’t you want to make him happy?”

 

_Now that was a low blow._

 

“You don’t want to see him disappointed, right? Everyone will be giving him little trinkets, and if you didn’t give him anything… I think he would be sad.”

 

_Fuck. That... That actually hurt. Crafty witch._

 

Levi scowled in response, not trusting what his mouth would spout but then Hanji broke their challenging stare and chuckled.

 

“Soooo, my grumpy bestie, all packed for Paris yet? Isabel and Farlan will be ecstatic, huh?”

 

Relieved at the change of subject, Levi shrugged, trying to contain his own eagerness for the trip and the opportunity to see his dear friends after such a long time.

 

“Of course I’m packed Hanji. Not everyone packs their baggage two hours before take-off.”

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

But of course the sales figures and marketing trends report were delayed. But of course they arrived the day before his trip. But of course, on top of all other prior commitments, he had to revise the timeline he submitted to upper management. A day before his trip. _Twenty fucking four fucking hours fucking before the fucking trip._

 

 

Glaring daggers at the computer screen before him did little to help rewriting his projections and recommendations based on the updated data. The four cups of coffee he drank since morning provided the fake surge of energy to maintain his productivity throughout the day but also pulled on his already agitated nerves. Since the moment he entered the office till then, he had yelled at or scolded literally every single person he came across, whether it was for professional reasons such as horrifyingly late responses to emails marked as ‘important’, or very unprofessional reasons such as them wearing lame t-shirts. He knew he was not being fair; given his infamy, people were already wary of him and these kinds of exceedingly sour days did not help better his image. He did not particularly care about his image but he did not like to be seen as worse than he actually was, neither. Thus, he internally made plans to bring some souvenirs from Paris for everyone in the office and maybe buy some cookies or cake _or something_ the morning he returned. For some reason these well-paid people went head over heels for any piece of free food, especially sweets, however mundane or crappy. Not that he would ever bring anything base; he wasn’t a cheapskate and made it his principle that if he ever indulged people, he did it properly.

 

He sighed as he reviewed the meticulous notes and suggestions he had written. All that was left was writing up a summary. And adding some nice charts. _They always like charts. Because they are fucking kids who do not bother to read anything longer than two hundreds words and not publishing executives who are literally earning their extravagant income by publishing texts longer than two hundred words. Overpaid shitheads._

 

He looked at his empty cup and thought of preparing another cup of coffee but even the mere thought piqued bile to rise in his stomach. He had never been a heavy coffee-drinker and he absolutely did not want to drink any more coffee. But he still had at least another hour to wrap up and it was already nearing 10 pm and he was exhausted and he was sleepy. _Why didn’t I sleep last night anyway? Oh yeah, because, insomnia. Nice. And no fucking jet lag will mean I won’t be able to sleep till evening tomorrow either which will mean not just one day but one and a half day. Fuck. I’ll collapse. I’ll fucking collapse._

 

He heard a knock on his door which caught him surprised. He had to blink a few times to ensure that he was indeed hearing a knock – then he realised the figure vaguely visible from the textured glass window of his office.

 

_Eren?_

_But what the fuck is he doing at the office at this hour? Did he stay late for work again? Why doesn’t he just go and work from home, annoying brat… Yeah, hypocritical asshat, go ahead and call him a dipshit for doing the exact same stupid fuck you’re doing. Perfect. You’re a perfect asshole._

 

“Come in?”

 

“You know you told me to knock and wait but if I’m going to wait five minutes every ti—Holy shit. Levi?! Are you alright?”

 

Eren Jaeger stood before him, holding a paper cup with too many tissues and both hands. When he first entered his eyes were focused on the cup he was holding, obviously uncertain in his abilities to hold the damn thing without spilling – _why is this kid always so clumsy?_ But the moment his eyes had fallen on Levi’s face, he came to a halt in what seemed to be horror.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You look like shit!”

 

Levi raised a challenging eyebrow at the remark though he was 100% sure that he indeed looked like shit.

 

“Gee, thanks for the compliment. I truly needed it.”

 

“Um, I—I didn’t mean to—I mean you just… You look very tired. Like you haven’t slept. Or ate.”

 

“Both of those things are true.”

 

“Damn. Do you want me to go grab you something to eat? The panini place across the street should still be open?”

 

“Nah, it’s fine, I’ll eat at home. My stomach feels like a disaster zone right now; I don’t think I could eat anything. What is this by the way?”

 

Levi pointed the paper cup now placed in front of him with his glare – as though referring to an intruder. Eren nervously laughed and scratched his nape.

 

“I got up to get myself a cup of coffee but then saw that you were still around too… So I thought you could use a cup of tea? Didn’t really see you out of your office all afternoon…”

 

“Yeah, I’ve been swamped with work…” Levi confirmed absentmindedly as he took the cup in his hands and smelled the little opening on the lid, “Cinnamon? You used the ‘Hot Cinnamon Spice’ box?”

 

“Yeah, it’s a black tea blend right? I can’t really brew loose tea properly so I used the – what are they called again? They’re like teabags but not really but kind of, like tiny see-through bags and not paper?”

 

“Sachets. We don’t have teabags in the cafeteria anyway.”

 

“I know! Which is very weird… I mean that we have loose tea and some of those sachet things but no teabags. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?”

 

“It is not weird because ‘teabags’ are heinous criminals and sachets are the lowest bar of tea drinking I’ll allow in this work environment.”

 

“God, you’re fussy.”

 

Levi shrugged as he took a sip. He couldn’t help his eyes haze for a moment as the warm, velvety liquid conquered his mouth and arousing aroma of the spices caressed his spirit. This was one of his favourite blends from Harney & Sons. When he finally lifted his gaze up and cleared his vision after a blink, he found Eren smiling at him, enamoured and delighted.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing. Did you like it?”

 

“Hmm… ‘s not bad.”

 

Eren grinned; “Good then, you sure you don’t need me to go grab something to eat for you?”

 

“Eren, you’re not my PA.”

 

“I know… but it’s really unhealthy you skip lunch like that. You should take better care of yourself.”

 

Levi rolled his eyes rather petulantly and took another large gulp from his cup of heaven – it was good, even though it was made with a sachet. Or maybe he had been parched for tea.

 

“Wow. I just realised that I just admonished you for not taking care of your health and eating properly.”

 

“Yeah, not the best way to approach your boss.”

 

“No, I mean, I never thought this day would actually come! I still remember how much you nagged me about eating properly back then…”

 

The memories brought a smirk to Levi’s lips.

 

“To be honest I was kind of a hypocritical ass then too.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I often skipped breakfast _and_ lunch when I was pressed for time during grading or depressed over my thesis.”

 

“You—you must be kidding…”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Ugh. I can’t believe it… And I thought it was just another fact asserting how much of a brat I was and how… ‘mature’ you were. All the while you played me!”

 

“You were a brat and I was mature, because I was able to fool you into thinking I was ‘mature’ – that’s the real sign of adulthood; not not-skipping-meals.”

 

Eren giggled. A genuine, joyed, carefree giggle. Something very alien to Levi’s world. Something that enveloped him with a fuzzy feeling that was equally alien but welcome. Something Levi would really, _really_ like to have in his world.

 

“Guess so… Well, I should go and work on my stuff. You wouldn’t believe how uptight my boss is about deadlines.”

 

“Can’t even imagine… What an asshole for being a responsible manager and all.”

 

Before turning to leave Eren smiled; sheepish, happy, and a bit smug.  And there and then, Levi thought the smile he was so generously given was somehow more warming than the delicious, hot tea he was drinking.

 

That smile, he would really, _really_ like to have in his world.

 

* * *

 

 

 

He never liked shopping.

 

But as Isabel ran around from shop to shop, crowding his hands with more bags to carry, chortling despite the cool breezes not so gently slapping them now and then, he thought that this was… nice. It had been a long time since he last saw Isabel and Farlan and he had missed them. He did not have many friends but the few he had, he cherished absolutely and deeply. They were close – especially so with these two for he had known them before anyone else. They were his… first friends, in a sense. A family too, over the time, they had become; however unconventional. _Maybe I should listen to Isabel and spend a Christmas with them, like next year? Could get Farlan to prepare turkey with chestnut stuffing… God, how long has it been since we spent Christmas together?_

_Years. It’s been years._

 

Perhaps it was the fact that he was uncharacteristically and needlessly swirling in sentimentality, or perhaps it was the random remembrance of Christmas; regardless, the moment his eyes came across the sparkling globes his feet took him towards that particular shop’s window on auto-pilot. He stared at the items, each standing on beautifully embellished outerbases, differing yet equally intricate and well-crafted miniature sceneries inside... He recalled a memory from the past, around the Christmas time, of Eren showing his small collection of snow globes, of Eren admitting that his mother liked them a lot and they always reminded him of her, of Eren thinking aloud about how wonderful it would be to travel around the world and get a snow globe from every place he visited… Not fully a man, not fully a boy, something in between, youthful features, hopeful eyes, fierce determination, and a goddamn wanderlust. Eren fuckin Jaeger had taken his breath away and fondled his heart in a way nobody could or would afterwards. He had gotten over him though, he honestly had, but the brat had to come back into his life, come back and wreak havoc with his amusing clumsiness and incredible enthusiasm and unnecessary kindness.

 

“You like them?”

 

Isabel’s soft voice woke him from his achingly sweet thoughts and yearning. _Eren fucking Jaeger_. He sighed.

 

“You were looking at them all love-struck; never knew you liked snow globes...”

 

“I don’t,” Levi answered sincerely, “not particularly at least…”

 

Isabel’s arm snaked over his shoulders then.

 

“So perhaps it was something, or someone they reminded?”

 

_God. This little shit. Her intuition was vicious._

 

“Whatever.”

 

He tore his sight away and was about to walk away too when Isabel’s strong grip on his shoulder stopped him.

 

“What?”

 

“These are expensive stuff y’know? Handmade ones. But since it’s past the season they are 50% off.”

 

“So?”

 

Isabel smirked slyly and moved her grasp from his shoulder to his forearm before dragging him towards the shop’s door.

 

“No!” He said, emphasising the single vowel as much as his larynx could allow.

 

“Yes!” She responded, the single syllable vibrating with cheer.

 

He couldn’t insist otherwise when she acted like this… And perhaps he did not want to insist otherwise.

 

Five minutes into the shop, examining carefully each and every one of the exquisite pieces before him, his eyes fell on one that was relatively small and more minimalistic than others yet no less charming or elegant. A small replica of the Eiffel was inside – he never found the tower aesthetic, in fact his relation to it was no better than Maupassant’s. He remembered though how Eren was fond of the iconic structure. Was he still? Had his wanderlust ebbed over time? Levi did not know. Levi was not sure. And Levi did not like that: he did not like that he did not know. He wanted to know. He wanted to know all the ways Eren had stayed the same and all the ways Eren had changed. He wanted to know new hobbies of Eren and the old ones he still enjoyed. He wanted to know which foods Eren still liked and which ones he did not anymore or which ones he came to like. He wanted—

 

He wanted to get to know Eren, again, better. The Eren who came to office on time every morning despite his yawning and droopy eyes. The Eren who had a sense of responsibility better than half the company. The Eren who sucked at flirting and blurted his thoughts without much filtering. The Eren who worked hard and never shied from owning any mistakes. The Eren who made silly jokes while eating at the cafeteria. The Eren who was relentlessly idealist as before but not utopian anymore. The Eren who made him tea at 10 pm simply out of thoughtfulness. The Eren who he had loved once and the Eren who he came to be fond of, once again – same and different, at once.

 

He took the lovely item in his hands carefully and walked over to the cash without any words under the gleeful watch of Isabel’s pretty eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, I hate Eiffel. It is an ugly mass of iron. Unfortunately, in this century not many share this opinion of mine; fortunately, quite a few well-known Parisians did during the building of the said abomination. Also, Levi is not actually French here, neither are Isabel and Farlan. The duo simply came to do their PhD's and stuck around and Levi likes to extend his little business trips to the city to spend more time with them. Why do I feel the need to make this explanation? I don't know.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because awkwardly pining ereri is my life.

Hanji burst into his office only five minutes after his arrival.

 

“So, are you giving the cutie anything?”

 

“No.”

 

“Leviiii…”

 

“No.”

 

“You’re serious about this?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“ _So_ , what was in that black tote bag then?”

 

“What?”

 

“You thought I wouldn’t notice if you hid it on your side? I’ll admit my dear, you are too muscular for your petite size, but you’re not thick enough to actually hide it with your body, y’know.”

 

_Damn. I should’ve taken the long route around Nanaba’s office instead of walking in front of Hanji’s. Shit. Don’t they have myopia and astigmatism, how did they even… A fucking hawk when it comes to messing with me, I swear to god, a fucking hawk._

 

“Hanji.”

 

“You bought him something.”

 

_How do they even know that it was something for Eren… Argh._

 

“I bought something. It does not mean I will be giving him a gift today.”

 

At first, it seemed that Hanji was going to throw a fuss but then they narrowed their eyes and stared at his face for a few silent seconds only to burst into a giggling fit.

 

“What?!”

 

“Oh you’ll be giving him that present alright.”

 

“What the—“

 

Hanji winked mischievously and turned to leave.

 

“Oi! If you’re planning anything, I swear to god—“

 

“Levi, Levi, Levi, I’m not gonna be doing aaaanything. You will be doing it all on your own.”

 

“What?”

 

He was puzzled. Sure, he had bought the thing. Damn, he had even brought the thing to the office. But he was still uncertain if he wanted to give it to Eren. Why were they so sure of it?

 

“You just have the look you know.”

 

“The look?”

 

“Yup.”

 

“The look of what?”

 

Hanji gave him the once-over in response and then chuckled one last time before leaving, without any further explanation. It fumed him and he felt a dozen suspicions arise in the recesses of his mind. _What the hell…_

 

Despite the black bag sitting under his desk that made him feel slightly perturbed on a regular basis, the day passed by relatively problem free. He took more toilet breaks than usual but the multiple staring contests with the mirror in the restroom did not shed any light on ‘the look’ Hanji was talking about. He also took more tea breaks than usual, passing by Eren’s cubicle on his way to the cafeteria, and stole (more) glances at Eren’s desk which seemed to amass more and more trinkets and gift bags as the day went on. Around his fourth tea break, he even saw Jean leaving a humorous – a very offensively humorous – birthday card on the desk, seizing the opportunity that Eren was away.

 

_Even the fucking horseshit. Great._

 

Now he was the odd man out. The surly manager who blatantly ignored the birthday of his very own subordinate, who was apparently the sweetheart of _the whole goddamn office._

 

Levi collapsed on his chair, loud groans escaping him inadvertently, and wondered exactly what made him so insecure about the brat. He was not like this about anything or anyone else. Why was this… so scary. _There I said. It’s fucking scary. Shit. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’ve never been intimidated by anyone in my whole life and now—_

 

His depressed eyes shot open in panic as he discerned the figure of Eren standing in the hallway, messenger bag over one shoulder, various gift bags in his hand, chatting idly with someone. He approached closer to the textured windows of his office and peered from the sliver of clear glass at the edges so that he could observe better. Eren was speaking with one of Hanji’s interns. He was fully packed and with a quick glance at his watch Levi realised in horror that it was already afternoon. Surely Eren would not stay late on his birthday. _Maybe in Valentine’s but not on his fucking birthday. Obviously he has plans._ An easily angered punk or not, Eren had always been overtly social – quite unlike Levi on that aspect – so he certainly had friends who wanted to celebrate this special day with him.

 

_Shit._

 

Levi turned back to his desk in hurry and shut his mac’s screen a little more harshly than he intended, quickly grabbed his own messenger bag and the black tote. He hurried outside his office and came to the sight of an empty hallway. _Fuck._

 

He could not run. He never ran in the hallways. Doing it now would garner too much interest from his colleagues and he could not allow that. Hence, he only briskly walked, consoling himself with the knowledge that even if Eren had taller legs, his stamina still sucked – Levi fondly remembered that one time back in January when the elevators in the building were not working and Eren had to take the stairs like everyone else, moaning and breathing hot and heavy every time. Levi might have assigned more tasks for him that involved running around to different floors day. _Might have_. He snorted at the memory despite his carefully veiled rushing.

 

When he turned the corner towards the waiting area of the elevators, his fast pace instantaneously morphed into a normal one and he internally thanked to his strict workout routine for not breaking any sweat nor having his breathing tempo increased. Eren was there across the space, leaning his back onto the wall while waiting for any of the elevators to arrive. The moment he saw Levi, he smiled. Sincerely surprised and happy. The gesture tickled Levi’s insides in a funny, pleasant manner.

 

_The little shit and his fucking adorable smiles._

 

He put all his willpower into maintaining the neutral line of his lips, taking tight control of the reins to disallow any curvature up or down that could give Eren the wrong (or the right) idea. He nodded in acknowledgement instead and uttered the first icebreaker that came to him, without thinking:

 

“Leaving early today, I see…”

 

_What an astounding conversation opener. Congra-fucking-tulations._

 

Eren’s smile wavered a tiny bit for a single second but Levi was observing said young man too keenly to miss it and he recognised the reason of the tremor as Eren raised the gift bags hanging from one of his wrists;

 

“Yeah, it’s my birthday today, so…”

 

_Nice. Great job. Now he thinks you forgot his birthday. But isn’t it better? Wouldn’t it be weirder if he thought you remembered? But he did remember your birthday, asshole. But fuck, my birthday is on Christmas, how on earth could you even manage to forget that? Shit. Why does this brat throw me off so much? Look at him trying to keep his smile… Oh no, no, he is looking down. He is disappointed, isn’t he? He’s fucking disappointed that I don’t ‘remember’. Shit. What do I do? What do I say? He’ll be the death of me… Eren fucking Jaeger will be the death of me, I swear to God._

 

His stoic expression stayed intact despite the turmoil of conflicting emotions that erupted inside him. One of the elevators rang like a hymn of salvation. Eren lifted his gaze and moved over to the metal doors sliding open, Levi following him. The elevator ride took exactly seventeen seconds. Levi counted each and every one as a distraction from Eren’s broken smile and ruminating eyes and his own tragic incompetence in communication.

 

_Why does he have to look so sad? He got presents and stuff from everyone in the office for fuck’s sake. Why does it even matter if I give him some crap or not? I suck at gift giving anyway and he knows it._

 

Another ring and doors sliding open, they took their steps out and Eren’s pace was slightly faster than usual, which Levi dejectedly realised to be a result of Eren’s eagerness to leave his company behind. Then, the words broke free of his mouth without his better judgement or actual calculation; it was as if his soul’s reflexes were triggered, a last attempt at salvaging the situation.

 

“I know.”

 

Eren’s quick steps halted and he turned, looking clueless and surprised and thus absolutely charming to Levi.

 

“What? Did you… did you say something to me?”

 

_Did the brat really not hear it or is he faking it to hear it once again or maybe he heard but did not get it? Whatever. I already said it; once was humiliating enough, repeating it won’t change that fact._

 

“I said ‘I know’.”

 

“You know what?”

 

“I know that it’s your birthday today.”

 

“Oh.”

 

_Silence. Okay what do I do now? What do you say? Uh… Oh. Of course, I guess?_

 

“Happy Birthday?”

 

Perhaps he should have avoided using the questioning tone, regardless, after a second of bemused quiet, Eren laughed. He laughed. He laughed and a hundred different uplifting, joyful, inspiring images, scents, touches, and songs intertwined into the sound that Levi perceived. The sincere chortle of Eren Jaeger felt too good to fit into a single delightful analogy or sensation. It required dozens and dozens of them.

 

“Thank you, Levi.” He said after finally letting go of the laughter that shook his body. Levi was almost sad not hearing the sweet sound anymore but the satisfied, gleeful smile that Eren’s lips inherited was equally gratifying and stunning.

 

“No problem.” Levi replied and it was probably an extremely awkward thing to say but he had always sucked at human interaction and Eren surely knew that fact – if not from before, from the many weeks they spent working together.

 

When they started walking again, side by side, Levi happily noted Eren’s pace to have slowed down considerably. Then Eren’s feet came to a complete stop right the moment they were out of the entrance, which earned a puzzled look from Levi.

 

 

It was raining. No surprise there; the weather report had said it would rain. Heavy showers were whipping the asphalt of the road and the cement blocks of the pavement with vigour. They were sheltered for the moment by the protruding small roof of the fancy entrance but Eren stood before him, gazing miserably at the downpour – visibly and sorely lacking an umbrella.

 

“You didn’t bring an umbrella?” Levi asked as he casually took out a compact one from his messenger bag and opened it. He did not even walk or use the public transport, but the entrance to the underground garage he parked was two blocks away and he was readily equipped for the short walk, always.

 

“No…”

 

Levi snorted. _Some things never change._

 

“Don’t laugh.”

 

“I’m not laughing.”

 

“You snorted.”

 

“Well, it is funny.”

 

“Yeah, I’m an idiot right?”

 

“No but you are clumsy.”

 

Eren peered at him with rather large eyes then smiled again. _God fucking damn it, stop smiling so much; I’m too young to die from cardiac arrest and you’re too old to beam nonstop like that._

 

“I use this app y’know? For weather. I actually check weather now, like every morning before I leave for work.”

 

“Wow. How so grown-up of you.”

 

Eren stuck his tongue out in response but quickly pulled the pink muscle back into his mouth upon realisation of his mistake; his cheeks immediately donned a shade of pink. _Shit, he’s so fucking cute. Does he have to be so fucking cute?!_

 

“Yeah. Definitely grown-up of you.”

 

“Uh, Levi… C’mon. I’m trying my best here.”

 

Levi took a few steps forward away from the safety of the ornamental roof above them and turned to face Eren, his umbrella keeping him dry from the stubborn rain.

 

“So, why do you not have an umbrella with you then?”

 

“Well the app puts these really nice icons right? Like a tiny umbrella if it’ll rain or glowing sun and whatnot. It’s on my home screen too! So it’s the first thing I see when I take a look at my phone. Pretty nifty.”

 

Levi raised a haughty brow, though not bored with the pointless conversation they were having at all. Still, he was unsure where Eren was going with this.

 

“Turns out my wifi was down this morning… It was still showing sunny weather of yesterday. Didn’t realise that till I arrived to the office.”

 

Eren shook his shoulders in an “ _oh well whatever_ ” sort of way and grinned goofily.

 

“You do realise that you’re taking the bus, the stop is three blocks away, and you’re gonna be drenched thanks to that and maybe even get ill and all the crap people gave you for your ‘special day’ will be ruined, right?”

 

“Levi, manners! They’re not crap!”

 

He hugged the bags hanging from his hand as though they were his dear offspring and glared at Levi half seriously. Levi smirked at the cheeky sweet sight. _Shit. Shit. Shit. Too cute for his own good, shit._

 

“Come on brat.”

 

Levi lifted the umbrella higher – much higher than what was necessary to keep someone his size dry and hoped Eren would catch the implication. Eren did not.

 

“Um… come on what?”

 

He sighed.

 

“I’m offering you my umbrella.”

 

“Oh you’re gonna walk me to the bus stop?”

 

“Yeah so that you can stay dry for now but still be turned into a marine animal on your way home after you get off the bus.”

 

“Ugh, yeah, true, I have to walk like four blocks to get home from the stop. Wait, what do you mean?”

 

“I _mean_ I’ll drop you off home.”

 

“But I live on the east side of the University; you can’t just walk there!”

 

“And that, genius, is why we contemporary humans use a vehicle called automobile.”

 

Eren frowned for a second then smirked, “So you’re offering me a ride?”

 

“If you don’t get under this umbrella within the next five seconds, I’m not. My arm is killing me here.”

 

Eren chuckled before hurrying towards him and under the umbrella.

 

“You’re lying.”

 

“Lying about what?”

 

“With the amount of muscle you pack, your arm will not be killing you just because you’re holding an umbrella a little high.”

 

“It is interesting that you notice my muscle structure but not my sarcasm, Eren.”

 

The said young man flushed and timidly drove his eyes away, which Levi found unbearably alluring. _Shit. Shit, indeed._

 

The walk to the car park was silent afterwards but it was not in any way uncomfortable. Quite the opposite. The sound of rain muted most other ugly noises of the city and let a nice smell permeate the streets that so often stank. As long as he could stay dry, Levi actually did not mind rain. Thus he let himself enjoy the short walk, Eren’s warm body so close to his, their shoulders touching now and then, fresh scent of rain and the rhythm of Eren’s soft breathing.

 

Even when they got to the car, apart from Eren telling Levi his address and rather loudly sniffing the inside of the vehicle, which caused Levi to huff smugly for he knew it was the ever present clean smell that attracted Eren’s nose, they did not speak. The peaceful silence never disturbed Levi until they were halfway to their destination, when he came to the realisation that he really wanted to give the present he bought to Eren… but how? _How do you exactly give a birthday present to your ex with whom you are not really friends but not really strangers either? Is there a specific protocol to this? Are there particular words I should be using? Or is there a rule that says you shall not give your past lovers gifts?_

 

_Oh fuck._

 

This would be all so easy if they were still friends. Why did he have to cut all contact with Eren back then? Though, something deep in his gut told him that otherwise it would be simply too hard. He had feelings for Eren, even when they had gone their separate ways – he could not deny that. But doubtlessly, it had not worked out. Maintaining contact would mean maintaining those lingering embers of attraction and intimacy and that would screw both their lives and happiness a lot. They would grow bitter about each other perhaps, which was something Levi had dearly wished not to happen. It did not happen at the end, but that was partly thanks to them knowing when to stop and to actually, fully stop. It had been a tough decision but one he never regretted.

 

_But now…_

 

He simply wondered how could things turn out if they had been only friends since the beginning. He simply wondered if things had changed enough for them to not fall into the same pits of doom. He simply wondered… how, just how the hell could he get rid of the sentimental shit in the black tote bag in a way that would allow the transfer of the aforementioned item to Eren’s belonging without creating any uncomfortable tension between them.

 

_Wow, that sounds hard._

 

_And overly complicated._

 

_It’s a fucking snow globe, old man. Just a snow globe. You’re not giving him a Rolex._

 

Unlike the first blissful half, the second half of their quiet journey to Eren’s home was spent in mute agony for Levi. He overanalysed the situation and being aware of that fact did not prevent him from engaging in the said act. By the time they arrived, he was honestly tired. Absolutely frustrated. He could not wait for Eren to get out of his car so that he could drive back home, take a relaxing bath, brew a nice up of tea, and leave the unwarranted anxieties of this game of flirting – _Is that it? Am I trying to flirt with Eren?_ – behind him.

 

Albeit the car having come to a stop a whole minute ago, Eren did not budge from his seat. The rain had slowed down considerably and they were literally four metres away from Eren’s building. Was the brat that afraid of the trickling raindrops? Levi did not think so but he could not explain Eren’s reluctance to leave either so he was about to offer lending his umbrella when Eren spoke.

 

“Thanks, for the ride, really, thank you. I actually got a cold like two weeks ago and I’d definitely catch it again if I got drenched. Plus I know the guys prepared me a surprise party at my place so coming in all wet and drained of energy would suck big time.”

 

“No problem.”

 

Eren smiled to him then. Even though there was no reason to smile at him. It was only a ride and Levi wanted to think that he would make the offer for any other teammate as well. And that any other respectful manager would do so too, for Eren. So why? _Why is he smiling at me?! I’m a moody fucker who didn’t even give him a birthday present for fuck’s sake. Even Jean gave him something and I didn—_

 

“Hey,” he called in a heartbeat when Eren’s hand moved to the door, his debilitating worries suddenly evaporated into thin air with the instinct to do something, anything before the other left. Eren looked back at him, obviously expectant despite himself – it was so clear on his face, he was full of anticipation, _God, why is he so transparent all the time? It makes ignoring him so fucking hard. I just can’t._

 

“I,” Levi tried but he was not sure how to continue. _“I got you something”? “I got you a present”?_ Eren’s increasingly confused yet hopeful eyes were not helping. _Shit._

 

He sighed, deciding that he did not really need to say something, after all, and reached to the backseat, grabbing the black tote, carefully extracting the tastefully gift wrapped item inside and then offering it to Eren without a single word.

 

Eren gasped.

 

_God, he is cute. A huge fucking dork but cute._

 

He took the gift almost hesitantly but his gaze conveyed the buzz he was feeling perfectly well. He tried to open it gingerly at first but after about five seconds, he impatiently ripped it apart which led to Levi breathing an amused puff. Once the shining snow globe was out of its golden cocoon of decorative paper, Eren gasped again.

 

“Levi…”

 

It was said in a whisper and sent a chill down to each and every bone in Levi’s body. Eren could be loud when happy but in moments of true joy or affection, he would grow silent and… and give these tender smiles which would be reflected in his eyes wonderfully – exactly what he was doing right at that moment. Levi felt his breath hitch at the sight; just how could Eren become so fulfilled and delighted by only a snow globe? In that moment Levi fondly (and fearfully) realised that probably a Rolex wouldn’t make Eren as happy as this considerably less expensive item did.

 

_Oh God, what am I doing… Why am I giving him… this…_

 

“Thank you,” Eren said, without tearing his content gaze away and Levi felt himself drown in that gaze, in those bright orbs of swirling green and blue, hope and mirth, grace and dare – he could not stop staring back, captivated in that maelstrom and the only conscious thought that could survive in his mind was the desire to kiss Eren. Kiss those merrily curved up lips. Kiss those happily crinkled corners of his eyes. Kiss that relaxed patch of skin between his thick eyebrows. Kiss that tiny old scar still marring his otherwise flawless chin. Kiss him. Just kiss him.

 

He could not.

 

He swallowed harshly and suddenly in pain despite the serenity Eren was still beaming over him. He took a moment to calm himself down and smiled back in return; a much smaller one, a much more guarded one – it caused a flash of elation in Eren’s  eyes regardless and he felt a bit guilty for not smiling more for Eren, if it would indeed make the brunet so obviously happy.

 

“No problem.”

 

Eren chuckled silently and nodded before clumsily wrapping the snow globe once more and then slipping it into one of the gift bags he was already holding on his lap.

 

“Drive safely on your way back, Levi.”

 

Levi hummed affirmatively, feeling too many emotions at once and a little out of it for actual words or comebacks. Then he watched Eren. He watched as Eren got out of the car. He watched as Eren dashed towards the building. He watched as Eren took a glance back at the car and smiled once more and held up a hand and waved – waved at him. Then he watched as Eren entered the building and disappeared from his sight.

 

The tense muscles of his shoulders relaxed but the cramps in his stomach only got worse.

 

_Fuck. I’m so fucked._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry but I like 'em, the clichés :')


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The thing about business trips is that the first time you make one, you're so hyped up, it's such a big milestone but afterwards it is a dreadful torture and you make up all kinds of excuses to not go. That is unless you are working as a tour guide for the wealthy or something, that can be quite fun, I have a friend who does that, bastard has travelled around the world and stays at the best hotels, flies first class and all that shabang ;(

 

“Why are others going with another flight?”

 

“Because they booked their tickets earlier and technically we are separate groups.”

 

“I don’t understand why you are flying alone with him.”

 

“For God’s sake, you’re making it sound like we’ll be alone in the whole plane!”

 

“It won’t change the fact that you two are travelling _together_.”

 

“For business. It’s a business trip, Mikasa.”

 

“Is it? Is it only that for you?”

 

_Ouch. Right where it hurts. Okay, maybe a tiny part of me wishes it was more than that. Maybe a tiny part of me always wanted to travel with Levi. But this is not about me, is it?_

 

“This is not about what it is to me, it is—“

 

“It is exactly about what it is _to_ you. Eren, please, are you taking me for stupid? It’s obvious you’re crushing on him again…”

 

He could lie in theory, but in practice Mikasa would recognise it even from thousands of kilometres away. _To hell with it then…_

 

“And so what? So what if I’m crushing on him?! It’s just a harmless thing... I won’t ever make a—“

 

“Don’t lie to me. I know you will make a move on him if you know he will return your feelings.”

 

_Will I? Could I? Wouldn’t it be useless anyway since it would go downhill… Isn’t it futile to even think about this since he’ll never actually return whatever this is that I’m feeling?_

 

He did not realise the silence stretching between them until Mikasa loudly sighed.

 

“Look, it’s your decision at the end and I’ll be there for you regardless, but I just don’t get it… How? How can you still like him after what he did to you?”

 

“Mikasa, he did not do anything to me.”

 

“He left you!”

 

“And if he hadn’t, I would have left him! Look, this is hard to explain if you’ve never experienced it but I’m really not mad at him. Sure, I was upset. I would be happier if he had told me his plans for the future and not just leave so abruptly… but we were nearing the end anyway and we both knew that.”

 

“Why again then? Why do you—“

 

“I don’t know! I just don’t know alright? It’s… it’s fucking weird. I like how he has changed. I also like how he has not changed. I respect him. I’m learning a lot from him… It’s different but it’s the same; it’s… it’s complicated.”

 

“That sounds… awful. ‘ _It’s complicated’_.”

 

“I know…”

 

“You do know that I love you and I just want the best for you, right?”

 

“I know, but please don’t be so pushy about this?”

 

“Fine. But rest assured that if he breaks your heart again, I’ll break his puny little legs in half.”

 

“Okay, hold on there for a sec, sure he’s short and so his legs are short but his thighs and calves are majestic; there’s nothing puny about them.”

 

“Ugh. Eren, are you checking him out at the office?! God… you’re hopeless.”

 

“I cannot check out his thighs or calves at work, he wears suits all the time! I’m talking from memory here. But I’m sure he maintained them, I mean he maintained _everything else_. Even improved.”

 

“I’m really not interested. _Really._ ”

 

Eren let out a hearty chuckle at Mikasa’s disgusted tone, “Fine, fine.”

 

After another few seconds of silence – this time much more comfortable and both fully aware of it, almost savouring that quiet moment of understanding, Eren murmured lovingly, “Don’t worry… I’ll be careful and take good care of my heart. I’m not that young and naïve anymore.”

 

“I know… Still, it’s an older sister’s duty to be worried.”

 

“You’re only 7 months older than me.”

 

“Yeah, can you believe it? Seven whole months. You couldn’t imagine the things I saw, endured…”

 

Eren started cackling and all the knots in his stomach dissolved into nothing when he heard Mikasa’s soft giggling as well.

 

* * *

 

 

It was his first business trip.

 

_Yes, Eren Jaeger, you are now a working adult who actually goes on trips for work. Let me repeat that: ‘for work’. Hell yeah._

 

He couldn’t restrain the toothy grin and a newfound confidence caused his heartbeat to quicken… Or maybe it was seeing Levi in such casual clothes. Sure, Eren had seen the man once or twice coming in directly from airport or during his PTO when he really should not be working but still popped in to check on the tasks, because Levi was… a workaholic, definitely. His clothing then, however casual, still maintained a ‘formal’ aura: never a t-shirt or a sweatshirt, always perfectly ironed dress shirts, and comfortable slacks at best, nothing tight or of denim.

 

Certainly _never_ a pair of black skinny jeans and an old band t-shirt coupled with a grey hoodie.

 

What awed Eren the most was how youthful and attractive his once-lover looked in the kinds of clothing Eren used to see him back when they had been together. Memories trickled into his mind and he could not help but remember the many times he stripped off pieces of clothing quite similar to these from that wiry body that packed more muscle than it ever appeared to be so when covered.

Years later, Levi seemed as nonchalant as ever but also more laidback than their miserable student days; his temper flaring much less often and his humour alive and kicking and… rather shitty, like always.

 

“You wanna sit near the window?” Levi asked once they found their seats, though the tickets stated the window seat belonged to Levi himself.

 

“Yeah, actually, if you don’t mind?”

 

Levi shrugged indifference but almost tender, ghost of a smile appeared on his thin lips and Eren recognised the man was being considerate. Truthfully, this was the second trip he was taking outside the country and his first time flying to London. Thus, he was jittery with happiness and would love to stare out the glass at the blue expanse of the sky or the ocean… and Levi, it seemed, had realised this.

 

Small acts of gentle acknowledgement had always been a forte of the stoic looking man; never easily admitting his care and always roundabout when it came to showing affection. Then, in the oddest moment, Levi could be so blunt, so carelessly and brutally honest about feelings or wants that it would drive Eren crazy with desire and flush. He remembered all the fond details of not just his past with Levi but his recent days too. How Levi took the hardest jobs for himself and never shied away from offering help for even the most mundane tasks his subordinates were swamped with. How he personally chose which teas to be stored in the cafeteria and always brewed more than enough tea in the mornings so that others could benefit from his expensive and delectable addiction. How he defended his team and never let anyone from the upper management to scorn them. How he bought pastries for the whole office after each project closed successfully.

 

Eren settled on his spot and Levi reminded him to clasp the seat belt, upon which Eren growled back to him about how he’s not a kid and _of course_ he was going to fasten it, only to receive a mocking smirk which led him to pout in defiance which only caused Levi to snigger audibly and himself to chortle a second later because it was… kind of childish and self-defeating.

 

It was interesting, how everything was like before but also completely unlike before. They were the same in many ways yet different in many others. Levi did not read Aeneid from original Latin during the flight but instead had the third volume of Saga with him. When Eren carelessly turned up the volume too high, losing himself in the music blaring from his earbuds, Levi nudged him and reminded that “not everyone orgasms to Skrillex.”

 

“You’ve changed…” Eren mumbled a few hours into the flight as Levi took a mouthful from his steaming hot coffee. He received a bland stare in response to the abrupt confession and thought for a second that it was a mistake to ever utter it. That it was a mistake to open the door for the feelings that were broken and ragged. That it was a mistake to point something obvious, because who doesn’t change in five years?

 

That it was a mistake to pronounce something that could be so easily misunderstood, lest Levi thought Eren mocked him – for honesty’s sake, he certainly did not.

 

Instead of the scornful reply stemming from similarly hurt and dissatisfied emotions of past, though, Levi’s bland stare soon morphed into a knowing gaze and his lips that always easily thrilled Eren turned up slightly, positively. His voice was tender when he spoke – tender like how it had been in the loving whispers of those nights when they embraced each other gently; not with fiery urgency but an overruling calm, accepting the other truly and fully, literally and figuratively.

 

“You too…”

 

He motioned with his eyes the cup in front of Eren and it took a few seconds for Eren to realise just what he was referring to.

 

_Yeah, I did not like tea then…_

He had complained that it was “water mixed with dead leaves” to Levi’s annoyance more than once. He could not remember how many times they had bickered over coffee versus tea, as Eren would gulp down his deliciously dark coffee softened and velvety with milk while Levi would gingerly sip his beloved tea from cups that Eren had found too dainty. When had he started liking tea? He recalled making tea in the middle of the night, one night in his second year in uni, eyes full of tears after his third or fourth heartbreak post-Levi… Was it because there had been no coffee left in his dingy dorm room at the time or had he simply missed the smell of the damned Earl Grey that Levi used to drink more than water? Regardless of ‘how’, he had started and eventually grew used to it; he liked it and really, it was not that surprising. He recalled how he had despised mushrooms as a kid despite all the little games his mother pulled to make him eat them. He happily cooked them these days; in fact, mushroom gratin was one of his most favourite dishes now and he often made it when Mikasa came over.

 

Things change as you grow, you start liking things you thought you could not stand, you start seeing things in different ways and realise the shallowness of your stubborn ways… Growing up, you learn to appreciate more freely and deeply, some things stay the same, some change greatly; this constant dynamic of both change and no change, this fine balance… He was not sure how to explain it but he was partial to it. He appreciated how Levi had changed… but also not changed. He appreciated how he himself had changed… but also not changed.

 

He fondly looked at the cup of tea sitting gracefully on the plastic tray in front of him.

 

“Do you still have those fancy English-style tea cups? You know whenever I see any of those I automatically remember you and how you so carefully handled them. They… looked kind of good in your hand. In a really quirky way.”

 

He’s more than ready to receive a biting remark but only gets a shrug from Levi and a tiny smile,

 

“I’ve got a stellar selection at home and once nearly murdered Hanji because they almost broke a late 19th century one.”

 

Eren chuckled, not doubting Levi’s words for a second there.

 

“Do you still have those anime figures?” Levi asked a second later.

 

“Of course! My collection has grown quite a bit since I got a job too. I spoil myself a little with them…”

 

Levi snickered but there was no disdain in the sound, only amusement.

 

“You know… Levi… In the first year of my postgrad, I wrote this piece that kind of touched upon Wagner’s works and themes and then I totally got hooked because his music is actually great.”

 

“No shit. ‘ _Wagner is great_ ’ – who could believe that?!”

 

“C’mon… okay so he’s goddamn famous but it _is_ an acquired taste in a sense, quite different than what we get today after all. But yeah… I may or may not still have Die Walküre on my phone and listen to it at times.”

 

“I prefer Götterdämmerung.”

 

“ _Of course you prefer Götterdämmerung…_ ”

 

“What’s with the tone?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

Levi tried to glare at him for a second but clearly failed at it and turned to scoff with a loud “tch”. The tiny smile on his lips spread into a smirk against his obvious attempts to suppress it, much to Eren’s delight.

 

“I listen to the Glitch Mob.”

 

Eren’s eyes widened, “Oh no you don’t… Liar.”

 

“I swear to God I’m not shitting you. I was gone the moment I heard Warrior Concerto…”

 

“ _Of course_ you like ‘Warrior Concerto’…”

 

“Eren, seriously, what’s with the tone?” Levi demanded, though the snicker that escaped his lips made it clear that he knew the meaning behind the insinuation.

 

Eren rolled onto his side to face Levi completely and scrutinised the face he used to kiss every centimetre of and could very realistically imagine doing once again now. Instead of a kiss attack though, he muted his instincts and asked, his tone still playful,

 

“So you listen to the Glitch Mob and read Saga – which I approve by the way, I so approve, both I mean. What else?”

 

Levi reclined on his back a little more comfortably and shrugged, “I don’t know… not much else I guess… Hmm, I started parkour?”

 

“ _Of course_ you would start parkour.”

 

Levi lightly punched Eren’s shoulder which led Eren to moan, seemingly out of mock pain but perhaps with the hint of a devilish intent as well, which Levi ignored, or perhaps not, considering the gleam that settled in the steel eyes the moment Eren’s deceitfully aching voice was heard.

 

“Shut up, they’re gonna think I’m giving you a handjob or something.”

 

“Not like you’ve never given me a handjob in public before…”

 

Levi cackled then. It was a beautiful sight that Eren realised he had missed a lot only when he finally witnessed it once again. In those old days, despite his ever-present sourness that could shame pickles, Levi would laugh sometimes, surely rarely but he still had and mostly to Eren’s lame jokes or clumsiness. Eren felt warmth prickling his chest and smiled. For a second, he wished he had recorded Levi’s laughter. _Damn, I could have sold it to Hanji for at least twenty bucks too…_

 

“Do you still write fan fiction?” Levi queried, removing the tiny tears from the ends of his eyes absentmindedly and Eren wondered how could this man look so good doing the most mundane things…

 

“Sometimes… mostly crack though. Just for fun.”

 

“Hmm…” Levi nodded, then sighed, “Okay, you probably won’t fucking believe it but I actually co-authored a paper on the subversive nature of fan fiction within the context of teenage sexuality in the States and Philippines; it was a comparative study, I did the US part and Hanji did the Philippines part since it’s one of their areas of expertise.”

 

“You’re shitting me.”

 

“Nope, I seriously did it. It even got published in New Media & Society.”

 

“You wrote a paper on fan fiction and got it published in New Media & Society?!”

 

“Yes. I swear I’m not shitting you. I have a copy back at the office, I actually keep a copy of every journal issue I get published in so…”

 

Levi sighed and his lips turned a little down at his own admission, was he feeling self-conscious about keeping copies of his published works? Eren could not believe it. If anything, he thought it was awesome – why would anyone feel self-conscious about something like that? _Hell, I’d happily donate my liver at this point to be published in a prestigious journal. Well… maybe not a liver. But definitely a kidney. Yeah, a kidney is fair price; you could live with just one right, why need the whole pair?_

 

“That’s… wow. That’s awesome.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“I mean wow… Shit… Yeah, do you have to be so goddamn perfect? I mean it’s been five years, and you’re still so… even more so…”

 

Levi huffed, suddenly exasperated and visibly upset.

 

“Kid, I have no idea why you think I’m this huge delicious dong, but I’m at most a tiny shitstain. And I don’t mean ‘tiny’ in reference to my height.”

 

Eren scoffed and turned to recline on his back once again, his eyes focusing on his now cold cup of tea since he felt rather intimidated to face Levi’s accusing stare.

 

“I don’t think you’re a tiny shitstain.”

 

“Well thank you very much Eren, that makes me feel so much better. It’s not like I was deliberately exaggerating to make a point.”

 

“No but seriously—“

 

“’ _Not but seriously_ ’ you; stop putting me on a pedestal.”

 

Levi put his elbow over his eyes as a deep scowl settled on his mouth and Eren felt panic rise in him, because – how had they come to argue, again? They were giggling and flirting… _Well, it was flirting right? Just a moment ago goddamn it, why does he have to be so infuriating?! Well, he was trying to relate to me and I dismissed it I guess? Or did I just go overboard in complimenting him… Wait, do I actually put him on a pedestal? Shit. I do put him on a pedestal._

 

“Sorry…”

 

“For what?”

 

“I’m sorry… I don’t mean to okay. Put you on a pedestal I mean. Honestly. And by now, I’ve seen quite a few faults of yours so it’s not like I think you’re a god living amongst men anymore.”

 

“How kind and unexpectedly rational of you, thanks Eren.”

 

“Yeah _this_ for example. Can’t you just shut the fuck up and let me apologise?”

 

A moment of silence and Eren gathered his wits and thoughts again.

 

“It’s just… I admire you. A lot. I always have. And you so naturally have the skills and strengths that I desperately lack that I can’t help… going overboard I guess.”

 

“You’re not.”

 

“I’m not what? Not going overboard? You just admitted that I did. Rather rudely too, asshole.”

 

“Hey, who’s being rude now? And I meant…” Levi sighed and turned to face him and Eren did his best to not stare back as well, because in his periphery he could see Levi’s eyes, however tired, looking at him especially gently; he was afraid that if he gazed back and faced Levi, the fragile gentleness would break or Levi would decide to hide it. Levi spoke again after a second of pause which felt like a small eternity for Eren; did eternities come in different shapes and sizes? Because he often felt so, around Levi at least.

 

“I meant you’re not lacking anything. Sure, there is room for growth, but that’s true for everyone. Even for the goddamn geniuses. Trust me, you’re amazing the way you are. And I’m saying that as your boss too.”

 

Eren’s breath hitched because he knew when Levi was being honest. He had never thought that Levi actually saw worth in him. Sure, perhaps as a lover once; but it is different to gain the respect of someone for the feelings shared, than the worth of your work and efforts. But here and now Levi truly commended him, not as a past lover either but as someone who was there as Eren tried his best to grow and put forth something that would be meaningful… and with those eyes too. With those goddamn honest eyes full of respect and care and… It was unfair.

 

_It’s so unfair._

 

_It’s so bloody unfair that he can do this to me… Shit. Don’t cry. Don’t you dare fucking cry just because he praised you, you, you shithead. God._

 

He sniffed loudly and swallowed the urge to cry as though it was a tangible, edible thing. As his eyes had already gotten a little wet before he had managed to restrain the tears, he was ready to receive a mocking comment, about being such a teary-eyed brat, wouldn’t be the first time Levi said it after all, and surely it would sting more than the usual now as he felt suddenly too emotional… But it never came. Instead something unthinkable for him happened and Levi leaned forward, despite his small stature, and reaching his hand up, started petting Eren’s head.

 

Eren recalled how much he had cried once in his freshman year, after failing that godawful Old English course, thinking that he was a disappointment, that he would forever be the deadbeat brother of Mikasa. Even though their relationship had been still relatively new, Levi had slept with him that night and hugged him close and tight, murmuring reassuring words that were laced with poetic profanities. The feel of the strong muscles and bones, the safety he had found in the warmth of the embrace… The softness of Levi’s fingertips and lips and whispers. He could still imagine the sensation and wished dearly – for the first time, truly and passionately wished that he was still together with Levi, that when he felt Levi’s fingers kindly combing through his unruly locks, he could hurl himself over to the body he still believed he knew well enough, to be held securely once again. That he could properly stare back into the tender gaze Levi was bestowing him with or raise his own hand to caress the calloused hand slowly massaging his scalp in a gesture of kindness.

 

Yet he could not because it was exactly that: a gesture of kindness. Nothing more. At least not likely. He didn’t allow himself to be swept up in daydreams of romance. He loved his work too much to lose it over an unrequited affection. Still, it did not mean he could not enjoy the gentle care when it was being so generously given. So he tilted his body closer towards Levi’s seat, resting his head around the level of the man’s shoulder and allowed himself to be petted more, gladly leaning into the touch with a soft smile hanging on his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was thinking, if any of you dear readers would like to share the ereri joy and obsession, or just randomly chit chat, I can be found rambling at [ninannarambling.tumblr.com](http://ninannarambling.tumblr.com/) ;)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't have time to proofread this last week so I couldn't post :( Alas, here it is. I hope you like awkward flirting. And pining: awkward pining. Why do they all have to be awkward, you ask? Because it is even more delicious, then.

 

“And God, Levi, they’re so young!”

 

Levi grimaced at the display before him. _Has nobody ever taught manners to this brat?_

 

“Disgusting. Don’t talk while you’re chewing.”

 

Eren swallowed his mouthful of biryani before continuing, “Um, sorry. I forgot your pickiness.”

 

“It’s not my ‘pickiness’; it’s basic human decency for fuck’s sake.”

 

Eren raised an eyebrow, “ _For fuck’s sake_?”

 

“Yeah, _for fuck’s sake_ , do you have a problem with it?”

 

Eren’s judging gaze turned into a self-satisfied one and he shrugged his shoulders while carefully ripping a piece from his garlic naan, “So as I was saying, they’re so young! God, Levi, I felt too old for a moment there with them.”

 

“And you’re telling that to _me_ , because, what? You want confirmation from an old man that you’re not too old at twenty-five? And stop stuffing yourself in a rush. We still have an hour before we need to be back.”

 

Eren rolled his eyes, “No, I was just… sharing my feelings. And you still look too young. But here I am, getting crinkles at the corner of my eyes at mid-twenties. Also, I can’t help it okay? The food is really good. I mean the place doesn’t look much, so I never expected but this is ridiculously delicious.”

 

“You’re getting crinkles there because you laugh too much. If you cackled less, it wouldn’t be a problem. And of course the food is great; this place is on Michelin Guide ’14.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Hmm… so, you think I laugh too much and I shouldn’t laugh?”

 

“I… I didn’t say that.”

 

_Damn brat._

 

Eren beamed devilishly for a second, softly biting his lower lip and Levi thought just how unfair it was. _Just a simple touch of teeth and there I go, fuck. Teasing little shit._

 

“They were all so lively and bright and just… just wonderful. But guess what happened? The best and the weirdest coincidence!”

 

_Oh good. At least he went back to the previous topic. Note to self: don’t make comments about Eren laughing or smiling. Ever. Also: don’t give him any chance to do that lip-bite thing. Unless you want awkward boners in public. No, you don’t. You’re not a goddamn teenager for fuck’s sake._ Levi feigned interest in the subject of their LBF interns, “Hmm, what?”

 

“There was someone named Umut!”

 

Despite Levi’s confused stare of _“so what”_ Eren continued to beam and started explaining excitedly after that pause, “Umut! That’s a Turkish name! Like, I knew he was Turkish the moment I saw that name on the list but I was conflicted if I should say anything because y’know, I don’t use the language at all… Plus, I’m like what, only a quarter Turkish? Even mum had an accent to begin with. So I wasn’t sure if I should talk with him in Turkish or just ignore that connection…”

 

“But?”

 

Eren outright grinned at the successful guess, though it would be near impossible to guess wrong given how attuned Levi was to Eren’s gestures, overall impulsive behaviour, and current obvious cheer.

 

“But I braced myself, told my frail self-confidence to buck up, and when I was introducing myself to everyone personally, I told him, ‘merhaba’ and you had to see his face! He was so surprised.”

 

“Hmm…”

 

“Then we talked in Turkish a bit and he actually said my accent was cute and in no-way unintelligible. It’s been years since I actually spoke to someone in Turkish… it was really nice.”

 

“It was good then…”

 

“Good? It was _great_. And the kid is just… like yeah, all of them are really mature and involved. I mean when I was their age all I did was shouting at rallies during the day and playing WoW all night. They are nothing like the no-good me. But Umut. Damn. He outshines even the others. He does so many amazing things, and he is so cute and confident… I was really taken aback.”

 

“Are you infatuated with him?”

 

The instant words made it out of his mouth, he himself was the first one shocked at their existence and downright insolence. _Shit. Why the fuck are you asking him that?_

 

Eren’s softly smiling lips turned down into a confused frown, partly gaping, he wondered out loud, “Huh?”

 

_Shit. Shit. Shit. Nice going old man. Now you sound like a controlling boss. Or worse yet a jealous ex. Fuck, you are a jealous ex. I can’t believe this shit. How did I become this… It’s just… Does he have to smile so genuinely when talking about a goddamn teenager… Yeah, well, Mr. Hypocrite Arsehole, he was a teenager when you hit on him. When you literally fucked him._

 

“You just seemed too fond of him.”

 

_‘Too’? Fuck. Could you show how pathetic you are any more clearly? Fuck you old man. Fuck you for not yielding this one time, you could’ve just let it go, turn that creepy blunder into a joke, or just change the subject, but no, you have to insist on it, why because you’re goddamn—_

 

Eren’s face suddenly bloomed into an understanding tenderness and he almost… simpered. Levi was rather baffled at the sight and his spoon stirring the curry stopped.

 

“Levi,” Eren spoke; _God, does he have to sound so gentle? Why don’t you get mad at me and tell me it’s none of my business? Because it’s not. It’s none of my_ —“Do you know, he setup a hate crime tracking site with his friends? They map out hate crimes reported across the city. He apparently also volunteers at a vegan community kitchen and has a poetry book published, mostly on themes of being an immigrant’s child and the sense of rootlessness… That – that right there. That hits too close to home. That’s something I would’ve loved to have accomplished. But I…”

 

 

_God damn it, you stupid asshole, you had to make it about yourself when it was obviously… about him._

 

“It’s like… I wish… I was him. That I was like him. Instead of… how I was. I wish I was a cute, confident teenager who did amazing things, cared and nurtured others… But I was just so angry. I guess I was justified in that but… I wish I had more time not to be so angry all the time… Does that make sense? It’s as if everything I tried my hand at turned to dust and despite how much I tried, I achieved nothing… I was just a constantly furious, miserable kid who couldn’t do anything meaningful with his pain… But Umut? Kids like him…. They do. They somehow manage to do… I just—Wow.  I am officially rambling.”

 

It hurt.

 

Like a bloody dagger sank right into the centre of his chest, crushing his breastbone into tiny shards that prickled the tender flesh and he felt… guilty. Guilty, because why hadn’t he paid more attention? Why had he been so lost in his oh-so-grand problems and thought Eren’s struggles were not worthy of deeper consideration? ‘ _Teenage angst_ ’ he had thought so many times and how awful that was—that he had dismissed the aching of the person he loved, because what? It seemed less significant than competing with others for grants or dreams of becoming a tenured professor in a decade? Pain was pain, insecurity was insecurity, anxiety was anxiety; how could he not recognise and pay the due care for his lover’s needs?

 

_I’m sorry._

 

Perhaps he had been more of a brat than Eren had ever been. He fell into silence, not knowing what to say, or perhaps he he should kneel on the floor or beg forgiveness, for frankly, he felt the urge to do so though he could never do – despite how clean the floor looked, who knew what kind of germs infested it and his pride was too intact and high, like always. Still...

 

_I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you how amazing you were as many times as you needed…_

 

Eren’s smile wavered but did not dissolve and he simply nodded, his eyes dropping back to the dish in front of him and he resumed; “So, no, I’m not infatuated with him… More like envious. And I know it’s stupid but—“

 

“You were.”

 

“Eh? Stupid you mean?”

 

“No. I mean you were cute. Cute as fuck.”

 

Eren’s mouth fell agape and he blinked. Then blinked again.

 

“What?”

 

“No need to be envious of some random kid, because you _were_ a cute little shit at that age too. You hurled yourself into fights against hordes of fratboys whenever they harassed others and if that doesn’t show your confidence and care, I don’t know what the heck would.”

 

_And you still are. God, you still are a cute little shit of righteous fury and selflessness._

 

Eren chortled and immediately veiled it with a fist over the lower half of his face, as if the gesture could hide the beautiful sound reverberating in the air around them and gently caressing the aching chest of Levi. _Ah. Cute little shit, indeed._

_I’m sorry. I should have told you that more often._

 

“Y’know,” Eren was still choking with little chuckles as much as he tried to calm down his laughter, “you’re saying ‘little’, but I was literally bigger than you back then too.”

_Cute or not, little shit, indeed._

 

“You were also literally _not_ shit, but I see you don’t mind that part?”

 

Eren exploded into another round of genuine laughter, his grin deepening and showing his white teeth.

 

“Thank you Levi…”

 

“You don’t need to ‘thank’ me, I was not complimenting you.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“I was just stating a fact. You… you’ve really got nothing to be envious of.”

_Darn, no. Don’t do this to me. Don’t look me at me with those huge saucers shimmering with expectancy and hope._

 

Eren stared at him with such pure interest and appreciation that Levi thought, he had to, he had to continue, he had to say this – Eren deserved it and the guilt still eating his insides definitely commanded it and heck, he was definitely not kneeling down on the ground in a restaurant, but he still had to find a way to make this right. It was important, he realised; very important for himself and perhaps for Eren too.

 

“I mean it. I… I’m sorry, if I didn’t show it clearly enough back then. But I always thought you were amazing… Angry? Sure. But deservedly so. Plus, why the fuck are you comparing yourself to others? Everyone is different.”

 

Suddenly, he felt thirsty; though he wanted to attribute it to the meal, matter paneer he was having surely did not spice up his palate enough to be so parched and scorched. Eren was still looking at him with the same affected eyes and Levi found himself unable to calm down despite what his stoic demeanour suggested.

 

Were they having a moment? Was this what it was?

 

_Damn Hanji for leaving us alone for lunch like this. They were supposed to be here too. Last minute emergency, my ass._

 

Did he want to have a moment? If he had to be honest, yes, _hell yes_ , but he did not want to be honest. He really, _really_ did not want to be honest.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“I said—“

 

“No. _Thank you_. I mean it. Not because I regard what you said as mere politesse but for being actually thoughtful. For being ‘you’. Thanks.”

 

_Damn. Damn. Damn it, Jaeger._

Levi’s legs felt a ton and a heavy realisation sank into the pit of his stomach as Eren’s gaze finally tore away from Levi’s face to his own lunch and he nonchalantly started eating again, blabbering more about these “brilliant interns” who were going to “be a big help at LBF”. Levi listened but did not hear or heard but did not listen – one of the two, or whatever, really, his mind was too occupied with emotional turmoil than to discern semantics; ultimately, he was perceiving the sounds but not focusing enough to make anything intelligible out of them. All his concentration converged on the new burden he felt deep within himself.

 

_I like him. Jesus Christ. I like him. A lot._

 

_Do something. Do something about it. But do what?_

 

“When do you finish with the kiddies?”

 

Eren rolled his eyes; “At around 4:30, I think?”

 

“I’m going to be leaving the office around then too… I’ll go out for tea.”

 

“Okay? You don’t have to tell me every time you grab tea you know…”

 

“I mean ‘tea’ as the meal…”

 

“Oh… I never had afternoon ‘tea’ like that.”

 

_Great. And you like trying new things, don’t you?_

 

“Well, you can join me if you want. Since you’ve never done it before I mean. It would be something new to try.”

 

_That was not very smooth but hey, Jaeger not catching on when I explicitly stated my plans wasn’t smooth either. Maybe I’m not too bad at this, hmm…_

 

Eren grinned as happily as ever and nodded, “Yeah, I’d love to, actually.”

 

And suddenly, Levi felt thirsty again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I'm a nitpick: the restaurant they're at is a real-life place called Dishoom. Their menu is amazing and it's in my list of restaurants to visit. Also: "Umut" means "Hope" in Turkish. Also: I can be found rambling [here at tumblr](http://ninannarambling.tumblr.com/), y'know, in case any of you want to ramble together or something. ;)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Selfish or sour feelings can come to one, what matters is not to let them rule your actions?
> 
> This is the penultimate chapter, the next one will be the last. It's already written but I don't know how long it will take to edit as I started--*gasps*-- yet another [fan fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3089555/chapters/6695627) (xkit-guy!Eren/tumblr dev!Levi AU) and it will also be a busy week at work. I'll do my best to wrap this up next week or the week after though. :3

 

He had a reservation at Brown’s Hotel but their opulent tea room would probably only suffocate Eren... Consoling himself that he could go there the next time, he called to cancel his reservation. The problem now though was where to take Eren for tea. It was rather late to reserve a spot at a nice place and there were a few he knew well enough to get preferential treatment but they would be again too stuffy for his mercurial, rebellious ex.

 

_Will he even like having tea in the first place? Just because he likes trying new things and drank a cup of Earl Grey aboard does not mean he will enjoy this… Fuck. It’s probably the worst date idea ever. It’s probably boring. What if he gets bored? What if he gets bored but cannot tell me because I’m his boss? Shit. Did you even think this through before suggesting? No, you did not._

 

Why did he act so impulsive around Eren even though he was certainly not the type, he did not know. Thanks to an unfathomable trick of fate, Eren’s presence awoke his own youthful eagerness—he could swear he was over it; apparently he was not. Isabel probably would have a nice laugh about this situation.

 

Alas, the fact remained: he asked his ex, who currently happened to be a colleague, out for tea and he would have to ensure that it would go smooth. He thought of taking Eren to one of those new places that also served coffee and non-traditional tea menus but the mere idea repulsed him so much, he could not bring himself to commit such heresy against this beloved custom.

 

After almost an hour of mulling over and trying his best to not reveal the plans to Hanji, who would definitely go ecstatic with the news and overcomplicate the mess he was already in, he remembered this small shop they had gone with Petra the year before when they had been in town for LBF. Apparently Petra had found it online and in spite of his initial worries that it looked too chic to be good, the tea was fine and the food was actually delectable. Owners were also very helpful and attentive and as much as incapable of human communication Levi was, he appreciated such people and had a thing for supporting small businesses, especially if they were clean and bullshit-free. Certainly, he enjoyed the exquisite selection of tea in more expensive and established places but he did not enjoy the vainglory of such ‘elite’ spaces. Thus, once in a while, he liked to shake it up and try more modest venues with satisfactory menus.

 

_The Tea Rooms, it is, then._

 

Gods of fortune were on his side for the first time in months and there was actually an open spot which he happily reserved.

 

A few hours later, he dropped by the first floor where Eren was supposed to be training the interns; he found the brunet happily chatting with a young man. Man? Scratch that. “Boy”. Such youthful features—kind of made him realise how Eren had matured himself, though Levi also realised that he liked this maturity. How the lines of Eren’s face were stronger and more well-defined now and the way he held himself, with more confidence and gravity, though his eyes alight with the same passion as he spoke enthusiastically about god knows what. The boy he was talking with was rather… beautiful. The unpronounced word stung Levi’s tongue but he would have to admit at least internally that the shitty intern was indeed _beautiful_. Based on the fact that he could not understand a single word they were speaking and the nostalgically familiar melody of the foreign speech, this pretty boy had to be the ‘Umut’ he heard about.

 

He felt pangs of jealousy in his stomach and cursed himself.

 

Because it was unnecessary. More importantly, it was unfounded. The most importantly, it was definitely not his place. But the infuriating thing about feelings is that, they don’t listen to reason. Nor are they concrete things that you could smash and crumble into dust; no, they are slippery abstract eels swimming around in the sea of your soul and good luck exterminating them—you’re forever doomed to experiencing their shocks once in a while and the repulsive writhing born out of their motions. However frustrating it was to experience the nauseous envy, he was thankfully mature enough to not succumb; it was one thing to have them, but another to give them the reins. He never did. He would never. And he wanted to believe—no, rationally speaking, he _knew_ — that this was what mattered. Everyone held repugnant inclinations at times; what’s crucial was not acting upon them, he reminded himself.

 

Still, he must have seemed rather intimidating and displeased—though in all honesty, it could have been his normal appearance too, which often translated as such to most strangers—the intern started giving him nervous glances, which led Eren to discover his presence.

 

“Oh Levi, it’s already the time? I didn’t realise, sorry.”

 

_He forgot about you because he was talking to a cutie—look at that kid and look at yourself; look at his soft skin and Levi, for god’s sake, you have wrinkles between your eyebrows from too much glowering. Of course you’ll slip off his mind when he’s busy with such hot stuff._ He blinked to slap away the poisonous whispers of jealousy; he was better than this god damn it. The neutral line of his lips arced down as he directed his fraudulently bored gaze to the intern for a second and then to Eren. He asked with a level voice:

 

“If you’re busy?”

 

_What a childish petulance. You just want him to openly choose you over a kid, when you two had plans so he will obviously choose you. What a miserable old fuck you’ve become congrat—_

 

Eren laughed nervously. Levi blinked again and perhaps his façade shook ever so slightly because he had not expected Eren to act… so anxious. Was this a good sign? A bad sign? _What the hell kind of a sign is this?_

 

“No, nope! We’re done! I was just too engrossed in chit-chat, _you know how I am_ …”

 

Being an editor, having done theses on classics, leading a life that revolved around literature, he found it ridiculous how simple implications of the most mundane words took his breath away or grazed his flesh so tenderly. _“You know how I am”_ —he wanted to ask, _“Do I?”_ _Do I really know how you are? Do we still have that intimacy? Because for the love of god, I feel as though I do and I so fucking want to, but do I? Really?_

 

With that—with the subtlest tangential meaning of a few words the venom rising in his veins was diluted and one end of his lips curved up in contentment.

 

“Okay, good.”

 

Eren’s nervous face relaxed and he beamed then, “I’m ready but—Oh, so sorry, how rude of me. Umut, this is Levi—Levi Ackerman. He’s the managing editor of non-fiction dep and my boss.”

 

The kid’s hazel eyes widened and his mouth opened and closed multiple times, before he could stammer an introduction:

 

“I—I’m Umut. Umut Kaya. Uh—It—It’s a—nice to meet you?”

 

Levi was rather surprised at the teenager’s shaky words and alarmingly red face and as oft-happened, his bafflement was shown via a suspicious glare which seemed to further fluster the young intern.

 

“Nice to meet you…  too?”

 

Then the kid’s lips pulled and he smiled so large that both Levi and Eren exchanged bemused looks.

 

“I—I’m sorry, God, I must look really creepy right now. It’s just I’ve been following your writing here and there since forever and I really like the way you write and also the subject matters you tackle are always so interesting. Like, I read your piece on looting—the one The New Inquiry published, just like two weeks ago, and it was one of the best I’ve ever read on the topic, so well-articulated…”

 

 

Now this was an unexpected development. Eren was so befuddled that he was pursing his lips—a habit Levi had first deciphered years ago when they were still dating. It was very endearing and commanded his attention more than the intern who was rambling and ogling him with obvious hero-worship. Though that definitely worked like a charm on his ego. He allowed himself a smirk which almost instantly drew an irritated side-eye from Eren.

 

“No need to be so nervous. Eren told me great things about you, I’m glad we have such talented young people in our company.”

 

Umut giggled and that seemed to trigger Eren as he moved forward towards Levi and almost hissed; “I guess we should leave otherwise we’ll have to go for dinner than tea? Hmm? See you tomorrow Umut! It was great meeting you!”

 

Levi nodded his head towards the intern in goodbye and received a cute little wave of hand in return. It reminded him the small gestures of affection Eren used to bless him with in their school days; air kisses, seductive-yet-timid glances, cheerful hand-waves… He smiled at the memory as they walked down the stairs.

 

He was not fully aware of the silence nor his smiling till Eren suddenly stopped at the exit of the building.

 

“What?”

 

“You… don’t have to smile like you’ve won the lottery just because a _kid_ complimented you.”

 

The look of disbelief he projected at Eren was mainly because… _Wow_. _Where did that come from?_ He was honestly surprised and couldn’t understand the rationale behind such a belligerent comment. Eren must have realised how strange his words were as well because he shook his head and nervously chuckled just a second later.

 

“Uh. Sorry. It was just weird, you usually don’t smile so openly—no, not weird weird, just… different. Yeah. Different. Actually, never mind. Let’s go, it’s getting late.”

 

Eren took off in quick steps and Levi followed him with warring thoughts wreaking havoc in his mind.

 

_Why is he so bitter? Is he jealous? Could he be jealous? Over me? Nah. Probably not. Shit. The hell it is then?!_

 

Drive to the Tea Rooms was spent in such uncomfortable silence that Levi started to doubt the whole idea of taking Eren out on a date once again. His young colleague had basically glued his face onto the window and stared outside in a serious manner, eyebrows drawn together and lips tightly lined. Was he displeased? Had he changed his mind but couldn’t tell Levi? Or was it the thing with the intern that caused the sour mood? Perhaps indeed it hadn’t been a flicker of jealousy set loose but instead a genuine irritation over Levi being so easily influenced these days—but he was not. Well, in contexts outside Eren, at least. The whole reason he had been grinning unconsciously had been the fond memories rather than a stranger’s compliments but how to explain this? In fact, revealing the fact could come as disgustingly sappy or worse and he surely did not want to give off any such impression. So he sighed. Then Eren sighed. The entire trip could be summarised as a series of sighs.

 

And then, when they arrived and were walking the small distance from their parking spot, as if the rising tide of unease within Levi was not enough, Eren just had to stop abruptly right in front of the shop. _Fuck, this is it, something’s wrong and he’ll want to leave and shit, why didn’t I ask if something was wrong?! I shou—_

“It’s here?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“It’s… teal.”

 

“The paint? Yeah?”

 

Eren scrutinised him for a second that felt like a century to Levi— _well, okay, not a century, but definitely too fucking long_. He was ready to ask what the issue was when Eren cracked a smile, then softly tittered, then outright cackled.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing, ‘s just… nothing, actually.” Eren shrugged and pushed through the door. Levi tried to relax the deadly knots in his stomach by telling himself that Eren’s laughter must have been a positive sign and perhaps his anxiety had been unnecessary. This idea became further strengthened as he caught the brunet’s gaze bouncing across the space, taking in every detail with pleased curiosity as they were taken to their table.

 

Thinking that Assam might be too bold of a start for their date, considering that it was also afternoon, he asked for their Darjeeling. It was a tasteful second flush with the perfect colour and the vintage china teapot it came in was a nice touch that seemed to enchant Eren. In fact, for almost a minute or so after they were served as Levi poured the tea for the both of them, the young man simply gaped at the feast before him.

 

“You know…” he mumbled then, his eyes now focused on the golden-rimmed teacup adorned with pretty pink flowers, “this is really nice.”

 

 

Despite his best efforts to look nonchalant and the undeniable fact that Eren had not even taken a sip from the tea or tried any of the food to warrant such a comment already, Levi smirked to himself.

 

“You didn’t even try anything yet.”

 

“Yeah well I’m sure it’s gonna be delicious since _you_ brought me here and you’re so stuck up about ‘quality’ with these kinds of things…” Eren took a modest sip from his tea and hummed, “Mmm, as expected, it’s very good.”

 

Levi pushed the tiny porcelain cup of jam forward; “Try the scones with this—it’s homemade raspberry jam.”

 

After gobbling a piece of scone with it, Eren ardently agreed… and for once Levi couldn’t find it in himself to chide the younger for talking while chewing or eating so ungracefully. Soon, it grew silent again but unlike the ride before, it was peaceful and content. They ate with only hums of approval disturbing the quiet. Levi recalled those mornings they used to share together whenever Eren stayed at his place, back in university; only few words exchanged yet it had still felt so much different, so much more satisfying than having breakfast alone.

 

“This was a bit surprising actually.” Eren said then, more than half an hour later when they were already out of a whole pot of tea and Levi had ordered a second, jasmine this time.

 

“Me having tea is surprising to you?”

 

Eren snorted softly; it was a ridiculous sound, like that of a piglet or something, however Levi found it rather cute.

 

“I mean… I thought you’d take me to a really high-brow place.”

 

“You’d probably hate it.”

 

“Yeah, I probably would. But… do you like _this_?”

 

“Quite a bit. The tea is good, the food is nice.” _The company is great_ , he thought but could not bring himself to admit and instead continued with: “It’s not like I enjoy luxury per se, the famous tea rooms often serve better tea, that’s the only reason I visit.”

 

“Doesn’t seem like your first time here though?”

 

“Petra took me here last year.”

 

“Oh that makes sense. This is a total Petra-place. I had thought that maybe you brought a date or something before…”

 

“Why would you think that?” Levi could not help his emotional shock show in his voice in the form of a slight strain and this caused Eren to blush a bit.

 

“I—I don’t know. It seemed like the perfect place for a date.” Eren first stammered and then added with an awkward sneer; “Plus, I bet all your dates during your PhD were for tea instead of lunch or dinner.”

 

There was no reason for either of the arguments to infuriate Levi but he was so. He was not sure what agitated him more; the fact that Eren was talking about Levi’s possible past dates during… well, their own date? Or was it the silly jab at his love for tea? Regardless which, he snarled: “First of all, I lived hours away from this place during my PhD. Second, I couldn’t afford 25£ for tea as a student. And thirdly, I didn’t even really date back then.”

 

_Maybe that was too much information. Shit, that definitely was too much information now Eren will think I’m a gloomy misanthrope. But… I am a gloomy misanthrope. Great._

 

“You didn’t date anyone?”

 

Rather than scorn or pity that he was expecting, he was shown plain bemusement which in turn confused him; so much that he could not even be disturbed at the demand of confirmation.

 

“Kind of? A few flings only.”

 

“Why?” Eren was scandalised, that much was apparent, the last remaining finger sandwich he had sneaked still firmly between his fingers and long-forgotten. _Okay, this is even weirder. Fuck, what does he need me to say?_

 

“I don’t know… I guess I was more focused on other aspects of my life and it became cumbersome? People start expecting a lot at that age on. Suddenly, it becomes about moving in together, getting a cat, buying a house… ”

 

“Are you kidding me?! I mean… I understand changes in commitments and expectations and whatnot but… I bet there were many who made a move on you, so I’m surprised you didn’t reciprocate any of them…”

 

“I didn’t say I never reciprocated; I did try once or twice, but it never worked out for long. And, no, not everyone worships my lousy ass as though it’s the goddamn Holy Grail.”

 

Eren’s eyes flickered with contempt which caught Levi unprepared; “You can actually say that after what happened—what, just an hour ago?”

 

“I’m not saying it never happens but it’s rare and usually with young people who’re not yet that well-read and think my crap is golden.”

 

“Your crap _is_ golden! God… You act so pompous and flawless all the time; from the way you move to the way you dress. I bet people would be shocked if they heard this kind of bullshit from you.” Eren huffed and then taunted almost as an after-though, “And here I thought you liked ‘em young?”

 

Levi’s cheeks, despite his wishes, reacted with a darn crimson blossom—because _no_ , he did not per se “like ‘em young” in fact—

 

“You were the only one.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“God damn it Eren, you were literally the only person with whom I dated who was younger than me. Not counting a few others who were a couple months or a year younger.”

 

Eren gawked at him; “For real?”

 

“Yeah, you idiot. That’s why I had been super self-conscious…” _And still am_ , he swallowed.

 

“You were? You were self-conscious because I was young?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“I—I never thought you were. I always thought it was only me because you were… Well, it’s just hard you know. To be younger I mean. It has its own struggles.” He cast his gaze onto his half-empty cup of tea and finally started nibbling the finger sandwich.

 

“Guess you’ll get to see the other side too, now that you’re not so young anymore and surrounded by hot young things instead…” Levi teased, mostly teased—honestly. He was not feeling the despicable claws of jealousy on his skin at the moment. He was even smirking as he said it and his message was accurately understood by Eren, because the brunet simply shrugged and rolled his eyes.

 

Then he grinned. That mischievous grin he often donned before uttering a particularly cheesy pick-up line or something, in the past.

 

“Nah, I’m still into older dudes.”

 

“Hmm… Is that so…”

 

“Yeah. Maybe you broke me. I don’t know. Maybe I just never met the right person who happened to be younger.”

 

Levi stared at him as he carefully covered his treacherously smiling mouth behind the cup of tea.

 

“Well, whatever floats your boat but I’m not taking responsibility for it.”

 

Eren giggled with his mouth full, Levi found the scene disgustingly—literally disgustingly—cute. _Fuck, he’s messing with my brain again and there goes all my sense of aesthetics and—_

 

“So…” Eren drawled, pausing to a take long sip from his tea and his eyes were nervously wandering over the dainty pastry stand that now only had crumbs of the food they devoured, “you’re not into young ones? Not at all?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Does that mean you wouldn’t date someone younger?”

 

“It means I wouldn’t date someone _just because_ they are younger or _specifically_ pursue younger partners.”

 

“Oh, so what kind of a person you’d pursue then?”

 

_You. Fuck. We’re on a goddamn date, why are you asking this?_

 

It was honestly flustering Levi and he was not used to being so; the increased body temperature and the moisture spreading over his palm were very discomforting. The way Eren was smiling gently was not helping at all.

 

He didn’t have words to describe it and the only description that made sense in his mind at that moment (“ _You, motherfucker, you currently constitute the whole of that population_ ”) felt too soon. He rarely suppressed the blunt edge of his brutal honesty but his mind dictated to proceed with caution. Thus, he stared. He stared at Eren. Wordlessly trying to transmit the intense emotional turmoil he was hardly containing and perhaps he was successful because Eren’s complexion started turning into deeper and deeper shades of red, and he could swear the young man had almost stopped breathing for the fraction of a second there.

 

“Someone who understands me, I guess…” He mumbled; he had not planned on saying anything. Actually, what had he planned? To stare till Eren forfeited? He had not been sure what, but he had definitely not thought of saying anything. Especially not something so cliché and full of unresolved teenage angst.

 

“Fair enough…” Eren whispered, simpering and Levi veiled his own expression with the teacup once again.

 

“Would you like anything else?” Their waiter came by after several minutes of Eren’s charming gaze and a serene quiet.

 

“I’m full.” Eren admitted and Levi concurred, plus they had things to do back at the hotel— _work things, work things to do, you shithead what the fuck you were just about to think._

 

“No, thanks. Could we get the bill, please?.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was such a tough one to edit; I removed so many parts and rewrote and rewrote... The Tea Rooms is a [real place](http://www.thetearooms.org/) (and no, it is not a typo or anything, the tea house is in fact called "The Tea Rooms"). I hate stuffy, expensive tea rooms of big-name hotels etc. They are extremely not worthy and remind me too much of British colonialism; but modest places with good tea and nice food? Yes, please.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally, the pining ends. And thus, the story too. Honestly, I just wanted to write about two people accepting the fact that yes, they once tried and it did not work, but things change, they change, and who knows if it would or not work again? Better to try and see for yourself than to succumb into fear and prejudice. 
> 
> Also pining. I wanted to write sweet sweet (awkward) pining.
> 
> I hope you liked it. :3

 

“So I said ‘ _sir, you cannot believe how much of an honour this is for me_ ’ and he goes ‘ _you don’t have to call me sir_ ’ to which I just sheepishly grinned and said, ‘ _but sir, you are literally a Sir_ ’. And he laughed! Terry Pratchett laughed at my stupid joke!”

 

“You had the worst puppy eyes; he laughed at your inane attempt at humour out of guilt probably.”

 

Eren glared at Levi and pouted while Hanji flicked Levi’s forehead causing him to mutter several threats of dismemberment to them.

 

“You’re just jealous ‘cause he didn’t talk with you much…”

 

“I was only there because you dragged me, asshat. I don’t even like Discworld series.”

 

Eren and Hanji gasped in union and Moblit palmed his face, fully aware of the hell that was about to be let loose.

 

“I can’t believe you!” Eren yelped and Hanji joined him, crying “Heresy! Heresy! Pure, pure heresy!”

 

“We should punish him.” Eren declared, eyes narrowing in threat and Hanji paused for a second, then their eyes glinted with mischief.

 

“Oh I know what to do to him!”

 

“Huh?”

 

Eren was left speechless when Hanji hurled onto Levi and started… tickling him. Levi groaned and shrieked, trying to get Hanji off of him to no avail and soon, despite his best efforts to stifle them, stuttered sounds of laughter started erupting from his mouth.

 

Eren was flabbergasted.

 

“Is he… Are you—Levi are you—are you ticklish?! Oh God, he is cackling!”

 

“Jeez, you guys slept together for months and you never knew?!” Hanji snickered while their hands continued the relentless torture on Levi’s sides, near his armpits and the man started choking amidst his laughter.

 

“Hanji, I think—I think that’s enough. His face is really red. I think he’s having a hard time breathing,” Moblit tried to intervene but Hanji elbowed him away, their fingers never leaving Levi’s struggling body.

 

“He always tries the same shit: fake choking and coughing. It takes at least five to six minutes of tickling for him to actually have a hard time breathing so no worries, it’s been like what? Two? Three minutes now?”

 

“Wow. You actually know that he’s ticklish and you also know how long he can stand it… Just Wow. I’m—yeah, wow.”

 

Eren nodded his head stupidly while he continued sipping from his drink, complacently watching Levi’s face contorted in a constant grin and chortling in spite of his efforts not to. Hanji’s loud laughter mostly overcame the sweet sound of Levi’s whimpers much to Eren’s dissatisfaction though. Finally, five minutes must have been up that Hanji let Levi go and the man literally jumped away like a scared cat, falling on the other side of the booth they were occupying.

 

“Y—you…” he started but had to pause to catch his breath, “You… are… fuck—fuckin’ crazy…”

 

“Well you started it! Talk shit, get hit. Or… well, talk shit, get tickled, I guess?”

 

Eren giggled and Levi rolled his eyes.

 

“Why are _you_ laughing at that? How much did you drink?”

 

“Um… not too much?”

 

“Shit, you’re drunk.”

 

“Says the man who did… how many tequila shots again? You’re the drunk one.” Hanji helped as they downed their cocktail. As he scrutinised his manager’s complexion, Eren thought that Levi was likely not drunk but almost there. Also, the tickle attack had led to a slightly miffed Levi with gorgeously red cheeks and slightly hoarse voice. _God. I should not find this sexy. But it is sexy. It is sexy as hell._

 

“Well… not drunk… but yeah…” Levi grumbled, reluctantly admitting his lacking sobriety. He expectantly glanced at Moblit who sighed, “Yeah, I am the only truly sober one…”

 

“Yeah, kind of guessed that… How do you stand them sober anyway? You have nerves of steel.”

 

“How does he stand me? How do we stand _you_?” Hanji interjected, shaking their finger accusatively towards Levi.

 

“Yeah, there’s a reason we drink so often…” Eren confirmed and raised his bottle of beer to Hanji for a toast but they, now out of a drink of their own, looked around and grabbed Moblit’s apple juice and returned the gesture with that instead, drawing more giggles from the both of them while Moblit sighed and Levi huffed in irritation.

 

“I think it’s better we leave?” Moblit suggested and Levi seemed to agree, as he nodded his head decidedly. While Hanji moaned and refused to leave for a bit, Eren relented. He wouldn’t mind leaving though he would actually enjoy drinking a bit more; he was more tipsy than drunk and could have a few more drinks. It was always fun teasing Levi while drinking with Hanji and Levi was much less grumpier when he was under the influence, so there was no imminent risk of death for amicably pestering him. However, he shared a room with Levi back at the hotel and he did not like the idea of a terrible hangover the next day; he was sure that if he vomited on the floors or something, god forbid, Levi would make him clean the whole room with bleach.

 

After fifteen minutes of begging Hanji and finally making them agree, which Eren thought was a talent special to Levi and Moblit alone in the world, Moblit drove them back to the hotel.

 

The moment Levi entered their room, he made a beeline to the bathroom and locked the door, loudly complaining about how awful he smelled and how much he hated bars and drinking and alcohol and shitty four-eyed bastards who tickled him till he sweated like a gross wrestler. Eren found it unbearably cute and tried his best to keep himself from snickering, lest Levi heard him and got even more furious.

 

He threw himself onto the queen size bed and cuddled with the quilt and pillows, still chipper with the daze of their outing and the overall experience; visiting the company’s London office, meeting many new people, attending LBF, leading their group of interns from the local branch at the fair, visiting museums and tourist attractions whenever he had the chance… It had been a mirthful experience if a little tiring. They would be returning back home evening of the morrow and he thought what else he could do during the day, hoping he would not be so sick that he would spend his last day in London cooped up in a hotel room.

 

His vagrant thoughts came to an abrupt halt the moment Levi entered the room, his head mostly covered with a small white towel that he was irately drying his hair with, while his naked body was only partially covered with a medium size towel that rested snuggly around his waist and only reached till his knees. Eren gasped unconsciously.

 

_God. Sweet baby Jesus. Fuck._

 

Levi did not realise the interest he was attracting, it seemed, as he hunched over his half open luggage and tried to rummage some clothes. Eren felt his mouth run dry and his insides constrict in fever. Oh, how would he love to run his fingers on the alabaster skin that looked so irresistibly smooth… He recalled the many times he had left bite marks all around Levi’s shoulders and neck, the older chiding him for it, again and again; _“are you a fucking werewolf or a vampire or something?!”_

 

As his gaze descended on the near-nude body before him, committing to memory the enticing curves of Levi’s abs and bulging biceps, he realised the heat pooling in the pit of his stomach; and in that instant he realised that it was wrong ogling the man like this.

 

There must have been a reason why, after all, Levi had never walked around half naked in Eren’s presence throughout their stay till then. Probably, he realised how much Eren pined after him and it was a message. A sign. A warning.

 

The idea changed the yearning inside him into a miserable mourning and dreadful grief that he shuffled on the bed, burying his face on the pillow determinedly and willing away any and all thoughts of desire from his mind, drowning in the guilt of his mental transgressions.

 

_You’re not a fucking teenager anymore, for god’s sake, control yourself._

 

A few minutes later he felt his bed slowly dip near the end and a calm voice that was obviously fatigued reach for him;

 

“Eren? Are you okay? Are you feeling ill?”

 

_God, no. Not this. Please, not this._

 

He inhaled and dug his face deeper onto the pillow, his hands tightly gripping its sides as if the object was a shield against Levi… Again, why did he need a shield against Levi?

 

“Eren?” the voice was a tad bit gentler now and it clutched his heart; why? _Why are you being so nice to me? Stop being so nice to me. Or shit, I’ll get hopeful and I’ll think that—_

 

“Eren?” just as the last syllable was heard, he felt the familiar hand, calloused from years of menial work during youth, kindly petting his head. It was too much. It was just too much. _This is too much. I cannot…_

 

He moved so suddenly that Levi was clearly surprised, his lips slightly apart and eyes wide, Eren grasped him on the shoulders and leaned in, his forehead touching Levi’s, the tips of their noses almost rubbing, their lips so close… Just a breath away. Just a single breath away.

 

In a second of silence that lasted both too long and too short, he looked deep into the eyes just mere centimetres away from his and searched for the answer to the question that was stuck in his throat, not vocalised but apparent. And simply stared back, softly, kindly…

 

Then Eren moved again, softly, kindly, slowly, and Levi was not surprised this time and instead closed his eyes as he opened his mouth and leaned in.

 

It felt… similar to the many kisses they had had before, but at the same time it was peculiarly different. How? Eren couldn’t fathom.

 

He lost himself in the rapture instead, his passion rising exponentially with every fraction of a second, his tongue in frenzy and his mouth ecstatic, wanting more, always more, more of that sweet, sweet ambrosia. His hands drifted, caressing over the t-shirt that was covering the stunning torso he had caught a glimpse of only moments ago and with need, as if acting on their own, his fingers moved, gliding down to the hem and sneaking underneath. He needed – he needed to touch, to know that this was real, that his lips were indeed brushing Levi’s own lips, that his arms were embracing Levi, and that he was being allowed, that he was equally desired, that he was needed, just as well. He needed to touch to that alluring skin and confirm—

 

That was when Levi seemed to comprehend the position they were in and flinched, quickly separating his body and putting his hands on Eren’s chest in determination to stop them from going any further.

 

Eren was confused but immediately ripped away his covetous hands from Levi’s body, as if they were burnt; afraid that he had crossed a boundary he should not have.

 

 

“I—“ he started, desperately in search of words to convey his feelings, but the words did not come to him. _Fuck, you’re supposed to be an English lit major you dumbshit._

 

He took a deep breath to calm his agitated nerves but he felt like throwing up. Was this real? Had he… Was it a mistake? _But Levi looked so welcoming and he even opened his mouth—Fuck. It doesn’t matter. Shit._

 

“I—I’m… Fuck. I’m just… really sorry. I thought you wanted it, too. I mean you let me kiss you and then kissed back so I thought… But then maybe you changed your mind…I guess? Did you? But why?”

 

Levi turned his gaze to the floor and after a second of silence, the unintentional shallowness of his rambling dawned upon Eren with a heavier layer of guilt. _Shit. You shit for brains stupid shit. You shithead. As if he has to fucking explain it to you._

 

“Fuck. I’m… I’m sorry. Okay? I really am. It doesn’t matter why… You don’t owe me an explanation. I just thought—I mean… Never mind, okay? If you don’t want to then you don’t want to and I’m okay with that.”

 

He wanted to get away, at all costs; _just get away from Levi_. The presence of the man who titillated him immensely just a few minutes ago was causing repulsion at his own pathetic self now. He could not even find the power within himself to look at Levi, too afraid to find any kind of hurt or disgust there. Why had he had to always rush into things? Why didn’t he just think? He felt the bile rise up and swallowed with pain and revolt. It felt like a nightmare – he just… he really had to get away.

 

He wouldn’t mind sleeping outside on a park bench or something as long as he wouldn’t have to face Levi. Eventually, he would have to, but at least not that night, not like that. When he moved to stand up and leave, however, Levi’s fingers on his chest curled and gripped tighter onto his shirt and kept him pinned on the sitting position.

 

“Levi… Can—can you please let go? I… I just need to clear my head a bit okay? I’ll just go out for a bit.”

 

“It…” Levi started, his eyes still trained on the ground and voice uncharacteristically tense and ragged, “it’s not that.”

 

“It’s… not _what_?”

 

“It’s not that I don’t want it.”

 

_Huh?_

 

“O-okay…”

 

They stayed for a few seconds in quiet, Eren baffled and unsure of what to do, Levi still avoiding facing him. Then Levi sighed, sounding a lot tired and frustrated, which both surprised and scared Eren. When Levi finally looked back at him, right into his eyes, he could see insecurity on the sharply beautiful features he had always associated with strength and confidence.

 

“I’m quite tipsy.” Levi said and Eren nodded.

 

“You don’t show it much, but you’re very tipsy too.” Levi added, to which Eren nodded again, his bemusement only increasing.

 

Levi exhaled and shook his head as if he was trying to explain a harsh dilemma to a naïve child. Perhaps he was.

 

“Fuck, we’re not in our right mind is what I mean… Look, this will probably sound fucking ridiculous to a hot young‘un like you but… I’m not into one-night stands anymore. I know that was how we started back then, but I just don’t do that shit anymore. I’m thirty, Eren and I changed and I want different things now… I like different things… I mean I even like to…”

 

“You… you even like to what?”

 

“I even like to cuddle now, okay? I fucking cuddle. I like back rubs more than blowjobs. My dream date is watching a film at home in pyjamas while drinking tea. Damn. I can’t… I can’t fuck you just because you’re goddamn hot and willing. Plus I’m too into you to be satisfied with only sex, so let’s just stop, forget this, and move on.”

 

“Wa—wait a second. _You_ ’re into me?”

 

“I thought that was kind of obvious with all the flirting and petting on the damn plane and then the tea date?”

 

“I thought you just pitied me… Or like being kind. And wait—wait—the teahouse thing? It was a date?!”

 

“Why the fuck would I pity you?! And on which plane of reality I’m _that_ kind? I don’t even touch people if not necessary. And yes, it was a date, of fucking course it was a date. What the hell did you think it was?!”

 

“I—I don’t know! I just didn’t think it all as… God. You’re weird! You do weird shit. Weird nice shit. I thought you were doing weird nice shit to me. You’re so weird.”

 

“Yeah well you were trying to get into the pants of this weirdo just a second ago.”

 

Eren flushed in a mixture of anger and embarrassment. Five years ago, he would have cursed loudly, lashed at the man, and stomped out of the room. Now, he took a deep breath and then glared into the silver eyes that glared back at him.

 

“I like you too.”

 

“Maybe. Or maybe you just like the idea of me. Or maybe the memories.”

 

“No, I fuckin’ like you. In the actual way you are. Here and now. All 160 centimetres of joy and sunshine and glitter and shit.”

 

Levi continued glaring at him but the way his fine eyebrows pulled apart in surprise was telling enough for Eren. He scooted closer, carefully and slowly, as if approaching a stray cat, and leaned in again, ensuring that he was not pushing and that Levi was actually welcoming him; he rested his forehead on Levi’s once more, his eyes too close to the intimidating gaze that always took his breath away… and it was rather uncomfortable at that moment, if he had to be honest. Still, he felt, he had to do this, and he had to do this as bluntly as he could.

 

“I like you. I like your grumbling over cold tea. I like your face being constantly expressionless but your eyes always in turmoil. I like how you lose your shit over dust on the desks or candy wrappers on the floor. I like how my body heats up whenever you smirk, even though it’s usually you being a sarcastic a-hole. I like how you clean your own office yourself even though you’re the manager and still wear that stupid bandana over your head while doing so. I like how you don’t give a fuck about what others’ titles are or what they say. I like how freely you use the word ‘fuck’. I—“

 

Levi moved forward and caught Eren’s lips between his teeth, biting instantly and drawing a whimper from his prey. Soon Levi’s arms crawled up and wrapped around Eren’s neck, pulling him closer as Eren’s own arms hesitantly snaked around Levi’s waist.

 

It was a rush. A rush of lips. A rush of emotions. A rush of breaths. A rush of lust. A rush of need. If he was actually sober, perhaps he would have felt intoxicated. Instead his inebriation was diluted as their kiss deepened even though he could taste the alcohol in Levi’s mouth; the arms strongly holding him were yanking him closer and closer to Levi and as their bodies flushed against each other, it seemed both the tight hold around him and his own wish to be held were insatiable… His hazy mind morbidly wondered if he could be fully consumed by Levi; get under his skin and taken in completely—to be close—so close that they would be one and not two.

 

When they broke the kiss Levi sunk to rest his head on Eren’s shoulder and Eren had to take a few seconds to himself just to catch his breath (and the stray thoughts and heartbeats).

 

Then once the oxygen had caught up to all his blood cells, he realised the predicament.

 

“So?”

 

“So: if you ever spout crap like that again, I’ll maim you with the closest available sharp object.”

 

“No need to be so embarrassed, Levi.”

 

Levi raised his head and glowered at Eren’s face to which Eren simply shrugged, which earned him a half-joking headbutt on the shoulder… He fell on his back to the bed unceremoniously but pulled Levi with him such that the shorter man ended up on top of him, almost straddling.

 

“I can’t believe you… you headbutted me.”

 

“It wasn’t even for real.”

 

“Whatever,” Eren mused and his hands sneaked onto Levi’s thighs, “does this mean we can now have sex?”

 

Levi rolled his eyes, momentarily staring up to the ceiling as if begging to an imaginary god above for mercy and patience, then peered down angrily,

 

“No.”

 

“Why not?! I mean… you kissed me when I said I liked you and you said you were into me too, so I’m assuming… we’re kind of a _thing_ now? Right?”

 

“Right. Still, no.”

 

“We don’t have to go all the way you know, I mean if you don’t have condoms, I sure don’t.”

 

“It’s not about that you horny shit.”

 

“What’s it about then?!”

 

“Were you even listening to me? You’re almost drunk. I’m almost drunk. We just sorted out the… the ‘feelings’ part a second ago. Hold your horses. You won’t die of sexual frustration over a night.”

 

“I know… I guess I just… missed it. A lot. And you’re really hot. Can we do it tomorrow?”

 

“What are you? How old are you? Thirteen? We’re flying out tomorrow night. I’m not making you a mile high member.”

 

“I didn’t mean on the plane and we don’t have wait the night for it; we can still do it during the day? Before the flight?”

 

Levi gaped at Eren incredulously for a second and then let himself drop on the young man, burying his face on the pillow right above Eren’s shoulder. Hence, his next words were muffled: “This was a bad idea.”

 

“Are you kidding? This is the best decision I’ve made in months.”

 

“No, it’s the worst.”

 

Eren chuckled, his hand sliding up Levi’s body, caressing his sides and then his shoulders and finally resting over his head. He combed Levi’s hair; inky locks between his fingers were still damp and smelled of the lavender shampoo that Levi always used, even carried around a sample for business trips, apparently.

 

He inhaled the scent and felt peace settle all over his being.

 

“I was just… kidding… you know that right? Like, I’d love you to fuck me. Or well to fuck you. Or anything in between, really. But only if you want and when you want.”

 

“Shut up. I know.”

 

“Okay… hey, Levi?”

 

“What?”

 

“Can we cuddle then? Because I’ve actually always liked cuddling a lot.”

 

He heard Levi snort, which in that moment suspended in time sounded better than any music ever created to his ears. If he could, he would have wanted to freeze this particular moment or capture it somehow and just… relive it. Again and again. Whenever he felt insecure or depressed or defeated. Just relive this moment with Levi in his arms, snorting to an idea he probably found both childish and irresistible.

 

“Maybe…” was the muffled reply that came once the tittering subsided.


End file.
